I've been hit

I thought I was in the clear, but nope. I got sick. After my mom has been sick for over two weeks, then a couple days ago my brother got sick, now guess who's turn it is! ;) I've been helping them out since they don't have the energy to do much, so I'm surprised I didn't get sick quicker. I guess that's just my healthy immune system haha! So I'm staying home from school today, thank god. I think I need to explain my feelings towards this new school in another post though...more on that soon. Anyway I plan on curling up with a blanket, my computer, and writing some posts. and maybe scrolling through Pinterest for hours :)

What do you guys have planned for the week? Today since I'm staying home, I want to fix my resumé and go get some job applications (!!!) and I also want to start working on my inspiration board :) which will also be another post!

I hope everyone has a beautiful day :)

Maddie

Getting a Bit Personal..

Okay. So i'm going to open up a little here and come right out with what I want to say. I've been going through a rough time recently, even more so the past few weeks. About two years ago, I changed my eating habits majorly when my mom went to nutrition school. She started learning so many interesting things about food, and obviously she shared the knowledge with me. I found it all very fascinating, and decided to change what I had been eating. Up until that point, I had never had a problem with food, body image or anything like that. I ate healthy like 80% of the time and indulged in what I wanted to. I ate pasta, dairy, bread of any kind, pancakes, you know all the normal stuff. Looking back at photos, I had a beautiful toned body. I didn't exercise to "burn anything off" i did it to feel good. I did things like swim some laps in my pool, yoga and barre.

So after learning about certain foods, I decided to eliminate some from my diet. My mom didn't want me going crazy, but since I never had a problem with food, she let me. I got rid of dairy, gluten, any sort of meat, and eggs. Yep, I became vegan.

At first it was sort of easy. And I felt really good. But it got hard to come up with different meal ideas and still get enough protein and calories. 

Fast forward a few weeks and I start thinking about the dreaded "nutrition label" and calorie count. I remember asking my mom how many calories we should eat in a day and I think that's where it all started. 

I started majorly cutting back on everything I ate. I still remained vegan, but on occasion I would eat fish just because I felt like I should in front of my parents so they knew I wasn't up to anything weird.

Well I was.

After a couple months of changing my eating, I had lost about 10 pounds. But that I mean any kind of fat I had, and muscle. I lost my period. And on top of all of this (which I forgot to mention earlier) I had started over-exercising. By that I mean running on the treadmill like a crazy person every single day. When I think about what I did some days, I'm surprised I've never been admitted to the hospital. I remember not eating more than a handful of nuts one day, and then being so frantic over the calories I went and ran for 30 minutes full speed. Ugh.

And running gave/gives me a high. It releases stress (while I'm running). I'm able to run like this because of my genetics, my build and all of that stuff. And the more I ran the easier it got to be able to run faster and longer, so it was like a self-competition. I would keep wanting to out-do myself and run further and longer than the days before. 

Because of this over-exercising and calorie restriction, I started noticing things about my body. My beautiful thick hair I once had was now brittle and shedding majorly. My nails became weak. I always felt tired, my skin started to dry out, I stopped growing so much hair (and being italian I always had slightly hairier arms/legs than average!) Basically my body was telling me to stop everything I was doing.

But I ignored these signs and kept up my routine. So fast forward to now. Over a year later. I'm very underweight (like 15-20 pounds). I'm fully vegan. I don't ever indulge, maybe I'll eat some dark chocolate every now and then, but it's hard for me to have any sort of dessert or something special without feeling guilty about it later. The only special things I have are hand made by me, all vegan and gluten free delicious creations. I've spent hours over-exercising like a maniac running, strength training, and everything in between. I have a very hard time eating the right amount of calories. And you know that heart to heart I mentioned I had with my mom? Yeah that was about this whole thing.

I'm aware that I have an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with it and literally wanted to faint. I remember learning about these eating disorders in health class laughing with my friends saying, "who would ever do that to themselves??" Honestly I cant believe I became one of those girls.

After some conscious decisions today (and believe me it's really hard on me mentally) I think I'm going to stop running/over-exercising. I'm done hurting myself. Running became an obsession, a way to "burn off" what I had eaten. It also started taking over my life in crazy ways, where I would make sure I had no plans on the weekends or after school so I could make sure I would fit it in. My mom told me she doesn't mind if I don't eat whatever I don't want to eat, as long as I get enough. So basically I have to triple or quadruple the amount of food I'm eating. Which, is a very tough thing for me to do. It's like a safety net for me. I didn't really mention it in this post, but I've gone through a lot of crap the past couple of years, and all of this has kind of gone along with it. She warned me that if I don't start gaining weight soon and eating more, she's gonna make me go to a doctor or nutritionist. The only reason she hasn't brought me anywhere is because she really believes in me, and I can't thank her enough for that.

After reading/ discovering The Balanced Blonde and reading this post from Chocolate Covered Katie, I'm finally ready to change my life. I'm tired of always being tired, fatigued, looked at in funny ways. Oh yeah, I should probably mention I lost my amazing butt I had, along with any "curves" I had....I wish I could say I wasn't crying right now but thinking about the body I had when I was happy and anxiety free makes me cringe. It was beautiful and perfect the way it was. Now I am very boney, lanky and people always ask me if I'm okay or if I eat enough. Of course I lie because what else would I do? But like I said, I'm done with this phase of my life. Isn't it crazy that I'm jealous of the body I got rid of? Now all I want is to have my old body back. My toned abs and lifted butt (thanks to barre). I should mention I'm tall (5'7'') and I have very long legs and arms (its just how I'm built, my dad and many family members are the same way) so being very underweight doesnt do me any good. 

So basically I'm starting to eat more, but it's going to take a lot of mental strength to do. It's very tough for a person with an eating disorder to just suddenly start doing something totally different. I'm going to take a break from running and see what happens. Already though, I feel a weight lifted off my chest that i dont have to go anywhere, you know? Instead of having a joyful feeling to go out and run, it's become a chore and its been creating anxiety in me all day every day. And it's been hurting my hips and knees too, and all I've done is ignore the signs. 

I still want to exercise, because that's just the competitive side of me. I love to push myself and I love to sweat, and yes sometimes (a lot of the time) i over do it. and i dont eat enough. But all that is going to change now. I'm going to start doing more HIIT, strength training, and take walks instead of running. I absolutely love walks. And I'm completely addicted to yoga! That has helped me so much with clearing my mind and easing my crazy thoughts. I just have to remind myself that when I'm pushing myself hard like I do, I need. to. eat. more.

This is very personal for me to post, so I hope it doesn't totally shock any of you. I don't really know what else to say, but if any of you are going through something similar or you have any thoughts/suggestions, please leave them down below. I wanted to share this because I felt like I had to. I don't want to seem all happy and cheery when I'm going through something major in my life. I don't ever want to hide anything from my readers. I also felt like I had to share this with someone, and maybe one of you reading this will relate I dont know. I've gone through this for a while and this journey has been a major part of my life, but seeing as I am almost 18, I think I'm ready to change my ways and finally take control of my life again. I would love to meet with Jordan from The Balanced Blonde, because her journey with food and over-exercising is very similar to mine and talking with someone who totally gets it would be so freaking awesome. How do I get in touch with her?!?

Maddie

Setting Goals

I came across a blog earlier and the post I was reading was about setting weekly goals. Of course I've heard of this but it's the part of me that never actually did it. After reading the post, I sat staring at my computer like "why haven't I done this yet?" I had an ah-ha moment that when you write down goals for yourself to accomplish, you'll be more motivated and willing to check it off the list and have that satisfaction of completing something for yourself. 

So I think I'm going to start making this a weekly thing. I want to write and share my goals with you, and try my best to accomplish what I can during the week. And they don't have to be outrageously scary goals either, it can be something as simple as cleaning your room or going through clothes to get rid of. BUT it is important to make bigger goals too, because I do like the ones that make me feel a little bit scared :) Like, finally having the guts to apply for the job I want, or take a leap with my blog, dye my hair-haha! 

Hope this gave you a bit of inspiration on this fine day! :) Feel free to leave any of your goals down in the comments, I love hearing from you xx

Maddie

It's the Weekend!

YES YES YES. This week actually went bye pretty fast for me because a lot was going on, but I'm still so so thrilled its finally the weekend. There were some good moments and some not so good moments haha but thats in the past and we can look back on the good! 

// I drove myself to school every day this week...what. \\

// I got my report card- all A's! \\

// I ate the best crispy apples like every day, oh I love autumn haha! \\

// Had a very nice heart-to-heart conversation with my mom, those are always comforting \\

// Witnessed the most magical hot pink sunset \\

// Talked to some amazingly nice new bloggers! \\

// I have been wearing this berry lipstick like everyday, and I'm not exaggerating. Definitely a fall staple! \\

I hope everyone had a great week. What's something good that happened to you? :)

Maddie

Decorating Pumpkins

If you're like me carving a pumpkin isn't the easiest thing in the world. Once I get the hang of it and I can get around using a tiny sharp knife, I don't mind cutting into my design. But ever since I discovered "decorating" pumpkins I kind of became obsessed! It's a lot easier to do and personally I think the pumpkins turn out a heck of a lot prettier. 

My favorites are adding studs and/or jewels. They just stand out from the others and they look a lot more personalized too. Last year I also painted designs and stripes onto my pumpkins (of all sizes) and I couldn't stop looking at them to be honest. They are so cute! And I love the little ones that can fit into the size of your hand, I mean come on how can you not think that isn't adorable. I love coordinating them together because then you can easily arrange them on a table or in a jar and it makes your setting very warm and welcoming.

And the best part is, you dont have to remove the guts and worry about a rotting pumpkin!! ;) These beautiful pumpkin setups with an autumn candle burning and fireplace flickering make me feel soooooo cozy and I love it. Have any of you tried decorating pumpkins like this? Let me know!! 

Maddie

Review: Revlon Nearly Naked Foundation

So as I said in a few posts before this, I have been looking for a new drugstore foundation for a few months now. My loyal L'Oreal True Match just isn't cutting it anymore, and for some reason I'm just not happy with it. It took multiple trips to the drugstore to pick out which foundation I was going to try, mostly because I was terrified of the color selection I was given. A lot of the colors were too pink, and since I am a golden-y olive skin tone it's a little harder to find a good match. I ended up going with Revlon's Nearly Naked because people on youtube had said they really liked it, and that was the closest I could get to my skin!

Right when I opened it I knew the color was a little too light, but that doesn't matter since I'm getting lighter anyway (goodbye beautiful sumer glow!). I wasn't sure if I should apply it using my foundation brush, finger, or beauty blender, but i ended up using my brush. I noticed when I put it on my skin it had a certain smell, almost like sunscreen, but that didn't bother me. 

Okay let's back up a little bit. One thing I would change would be the packaging. It's a little difficult to get the product out on the bottle, so you have to be careful when you pour it out. I just poured a little amount onto the back of my hand. A little spilled down the side of the bottle and I had to clean it up which was a tad annoying but what can you do! The formula is more on the liquidy watery side, but still has some thickness to it.

Back to applying the foundation, I noticed right away that it covered my redness very well. I almost didn't need another coat. It left a nice dewy skin like finish which I really like. I think this foundation is light to medium coverage and you can definitely build it up. If you have oily skin or an oily t-zone, go for the formula made for that skin type because this formula that I have is made for dry to normal skin. Although I do have an oily t-zone, it didn't make me shiny or have to blot, so that's a major plus!

Overall I'm really happy with it. Hopefully soon the color won't be too far off and I can enjoy this foundation! :)

Have you tried the Revlon Nearly Naked Foundation?

Maddie

Currently Listening

I don't think I could get any more excited. I've been listening to "Shake it Off" since the day it was released, but can you blame me?! Even when I'm in the car driving, I can listen to it on the radio at least twice. Which makes for some great view of me singing as loud as I can behind the wheel haha! I'll admit I did get a little distracted and I almost caused an accident, no big deal. No it wasn't that bad but it does take my mind away from the moment ;)

Excitedly counting down the hours until her album releases...(!!!!!!!!!)

What have you been listening to?

Maddie