Weekly Recap

1// As I said in this post, I enrolled into an online business/marketing school and I am so FREAKIN EXCITED

2// In my acting class at school, I was cast as Beth for our "Little Women" show. She is a character that ends up passing away lol, but I'm still thrilled I've got a semi-big part!

3// I hit 700 followers AND 800 followers on Instagram. God I freakin love you guys :)

4// I had kind of a crying breakdown about my eating disorder, because I've just been having a rough time. As easy as it may seem to recover on the outside, it's like prison on the inside. But, my mom came in my room and hugged and talked to me for at least an hour and made everything better…she's the best.

5// Lately I've been doing a lot more yoga and flexibility routines, and I've noticed such a difference!! I'm getting more flexible, stronger, and I can even transition into backbends and wheels :D 

The weeks have been going bye so fast and I can barely keep up…like it's MARCH. WHAT?? I'll be graduating high school in 2 months…gulp.

Have a lovely weekend xx

Enrolling in a New School?

Yep. You read that right. As of today I am officially enrolling into an online business/marketing school, and I am SO FREAKIN EXCITED. It's everything I've been asking for. I'll be able to learn about social media, branding, networking, building a business and everything else that comes with being a successful entrepreneur. Gosh I'm getting goosebumps just writing this. And the best part is, I'll be able to work and study on my own time, so school or activities will never be in the way. This, as crazy and exciting as it is, is a big step for me. It's out of my comfort zone, and so far it's making me feel so confident and powerful. This year I made it a goal to do things I would normally say no to or to back away from. Why not take risks? There is absolutely nothing bad that can come from saying yes, other than finding out if you like and don't like something. Instead of saying no and regretting it forever, make awesome memories! Make yourself stronger and smarter and happier! I'm already so thrilled that I'm able to do something like this, and it hasn't even started yet. This is an opportunity that was basically put in front of me after praying for something like it to show up, and its crazy to me that my wishes came true. I am SO beyond grateful for my parents too, who are helping to pay for some of it. But I told them they will get every penny back. I'm so excited to start this new wild journey :)

Here's to saying yes to many opportunities and creating a freakin amazing life<3

Killer Comparison

This whole week I've dealt a lot with this feeling. This feeling of constantly comparing myself to literally every girl I see, read about, stalk on Instagram. For a while, I was able to stop doing this to myself, because I was in a good place mentally, but lately it's been hard. Things like how many followers she has, how perfect her skin is, how fit she is, it's all been bothering me. And it doesn't feel good. It brings me down, and I'm not the type of person that likes to feel that way! Why do we do this to ourselves? Each and every one of us are totally different, separate human beings. NONE of us should ever want to be anybody but ourselves. But do we blame social media? Or is it just human nature to want something so badly? I realize that in this "business" of blogging, there is a great deal of comparison on every level. From blog design, to followers to the types of writing and pictures posted…sometimes it all gets a bit too much and it overwhelms me, and on some days I feel like just walking away from it all. But its just a matter of how you take it. You CANT compare your own beautiful, unique being to someone else…you just cant. Everyone has their own journey, their own style, their own followers. And not everyone will like each other! But thats okay. It's how the world works. If you compare yourself to the blogger with 500,000 followers and a picture perfect life on the outside, you will feel miserable and let down. Instead, create a vision of what you want for yourself. What makes you happy and excited? What would you do for the rest of your life if money didn't matter? Go do that. You'll find yourself and your happiness, and the right people will find you and follow you. You can't want to be a copy of someone else because life doesn't work that way. Instead, just BE YOU. Block out the negative, the comparison and love who YOU are. Because you're amazing and unique and special, and there's only one of you. So be the best you you can be and everything will work out the way it should.

Comparison is the thief of happiness. So when you find yourself comparing, take a step back from life and get back to who you really are. <3

25 Facts About Me

1. I've lived in Arizona, United States my whole life

2. No, I don't like it here so I'm hoping to move to Cali in the upcoming years

3. I'm turning 18 on May 27th ;)

4. I've been vegan for a year now-woohoo!

5. I'm a gemini, and boy do I act like one

6. I've been told by many of my teachers that I 'have a gift for writing'

7. I've never really been one to have a bunch of friends, only a couple of really close ones :)

8. I find Numerology and Astrology very fascinating

9. I'm a die-hard yogi, self-taught, and trying to practice as much as possible

10. I must say I make killer vegan desserts

11. I suffer from anorexia/orthorexia/over-exercising but I am in the midst of recovery <3

12. I spend way too many nights laying in my bed scrolling through Instagram accounts and talking to new people ;)

13. Although I'm not properly Buddhist, I practice that lifestyle

14. My style is allllwayyss changing, whether it comes to fashion, hair, lifestyle…

15. My dream is to do what I love and make a career out of it, and be able to financially support myself while traveling all over the world

16. Paris, London, Rome, and Australia are just a few of the places I want to live and visit

17. Every morning I wake up at 5:15 and work out before school

18. Even though I'm an early bird, I find that I get lots of my creative juices flowing in the middle of the night

19. My favorite season is Summer, where I can literally lay in the sun all day and turn a dark golden color haha!

20. Some days I love to go all out and dress up, and other days you can find me curled up in sweats

21. I really wish I knew how to use my Canon DLSR camera correctly-I'm kind of intimidated by it

22. I would love for this blog to grow into a full-time job for me <3

23. Even though I'm turning 18, I feel like a 12 year old most days. 

24. I love saving all the magazines I read, and ripping and tearing out pictures from them and making mood/inspiration boards

25. I spend a lot of my free time on the internet, searching/writing/reading blogs and videos, but it's the best thing that has happened to me

I feel like I could write more but would that be boring?? Haha--basically I'm just a girl who is shy at first and then once I get to know you I can't really shut up. I talk too much about vegan food and I love to instastalk people on a regular basis. I'm an art freak who loves to dance wildly to loud music and also stay in on the weekends and bake cookies with my mom :) Traveling the world is something that I'm made to do and I can't wait to be able to share my adventures <3

iPhone Life

1//Mega green smoothie with bananas, mango, spinach and coconut water- it was heaven! 2//A chakara charm my mom got me at our favorite yoga studio- i have been wanting this for months and i almost cried when she gave it to me. I can't wait to hang it above my bed. 3//Felt sporty with this beanie. 4//Breakyy-Oats, covered with strawberries, blueberries, almonds and heaps of cinnamon

5//My candy-mango. 6//Wearing my fuzzy pink sweater for the last time with my favorite heart necklace. 7//Killed a workout! 8//Love this nude- Revlon color burst matte balm in the shade 'complex'

Maddie

Weekly Recap

Okay, so this week was a bit of a blur to me! It went bye really fast and was filled with so many different emotions. in my last post I talked about how crazy confused I am about my "diet"/lifestyle, and looking at it now I feel kind of stupid about it.

I've talked to so many different bloggers about this, and I even got in touch with Jordan from the Balanced Blonde (formerly the Blonde Vegan). If any of you know her blog, you know that she was a very strict vegan until last year when she came out about her eating disorder. She has a huuuuge following, and for her to be able to get back to the email I sent her made me absolutely ecstatic. And the email was long and loving and so so amazing, and basically saved me from going into a deep whole of another disorder. I basically told her I'm totally lost with what to do about my disorder, meaning if I should try these certain lifestyles like high carb or high fat. Jordan answered perfectly that I know deep down doing these fad diets not only cause me more of a restrictive mindset, but also inner competition. It's hard to explain but she did so well.

So anyway, I'm not going on a high carb diet. I had low energy, and I'm getting signals from my body that it wasn't working, like my thinning hair and dry skin. Basically I need to get back to the way I was eating, but more. Which brings me to my next point, my calories and fitness. I'm taking a two week break from exercise, which if you know me is totally unheard of. I haven't taken that long of a break for over a year. It's crazy but its true. I read another blog post from Emma D Fitness, and she basically has the same story as me. She lost her period, restricted her food, and became obsessed with healthy food and overexercising. ME. She explained in her post that she had come to the realization in the midst of her eating disorder that what she was doing to her body was absolutely pointless. She was obsessed with having abs 24/7 (guilty) and always pushing herself to her limits (guilty again). She knew she had to gain body fat because she had none in order to get her period back, and to do this she needed to up her calories and stop working out for the time being. To make this story shorter, she did, despite being addicted, stop exercising for 2 weeks and majorly ate more. She didn't gain a ton of weight funnily enough, but she did get her period back. And that was the beginning of her recovery. And I've come to the realization that that's what I have to do too. It's so hard for me not to exercise or at least do yoga everyday, but I HAVE to get my body back to normal. I'm sick of being so thin and tired all the time. For what? I miss my old body, where I was strong and ready to do anything all the time. I miss my thick hair and strong nails..

So yep. Starting today I'm eating a lot more, especially fats. I'm not going to exercise for at least a week or two, and we're gonna see where this goes. It's like I'm starting over on my health and fitness journey. It's time for me to get my body back in order, because I'm almost 18 and I'm 20 pounds underweight. Not good.

That's my crazy week for ya! It's been very cold and rainy every single day, which I love, but don't get me wrong I'm constantly feeling like an icicle. Most days after school I've been bundled up reading blogs and catching up on youtube videos ;)

Here's to the beginning of my new journey, day one.

Have a good weekend <3

Maddie

Let's Chat

Today I just felt like rambling a bit, so there’s your warning.

Some days I’ll feel on top of the world, like I can do anything and be anything I want to. I will feel strong and powerful and confident. I’ll imagine myself surrounded by great people and wonderful things.

And then on some days, I’ll feel small and weak and not very happy or joyous or grateful. I really hate feeling this way but it just happens.

I was walking around my school campus at lunch and I was thinking about myself and situations I put myself into. There are a couple of nice girls I’ve wanted to talk to for months now, and I haven’t. Because I feel nervous and unaccepted. I feel like they’ll think I’m boring and not “cool” or too shy and quiet. Yes I am like this, but once I get to know someone I have a hard time being serious and shutting up. That’s just me. It’s like I’m afraid to talk…and let people in on my thoughts. I haven’t had a real genuine friend for 4 years. So it’s kind of like I’ve forgotten what having a friend feels like. I’m a Gemini for crying out loud I have MULTIPLE personalities. That I can definitely believe.

Well while I was walking around, one of those girls noticed me and stopped me and welcomed me to sit with her and her friend at lunch. Like, it’s like she read my mind. Did I manifest this?? I believe so. It’s all I’ve been thinking about, making friends and having people to talk to.

How do I get over this anxiety of talking to people and approaching them?? Do I sit down and tell them the truth that I’ve been wanting to talk to them for MONTHS? I really want to, and what would be so bad about that anyway? Obviously they’ve noticed me too… I don’t know. I feel like I’m going bit crazy.

I also haven’t gone to get my job application yet at the store I want. Well, it kind of took me a little while to figure out I need to be in retail, and the store that would be awesome to work in is Urban Outfitters. They WERE hiring for seasonal employees a couple weeks ago, and since I got sick I wasn’t able to go. I really really REALLLLY hope they’re still hiring, because it would be a miracle if they were. Getting into retail would be amazing for the school I want to go to and the field I want to be in. the weeks have been going bye so quickly and I’ve had little things come up. I just feel like I’ve pushed it off to the side and I shouldn’t have.

Anyway, it’s been a long week at school. Everyday I have to stay after 4 extra hours for acting rehearsals, but since I’m not in the play I’ve been doing nothing. The first two days were pretty long, tiring, and boring. But I have to say, the last two days were a lot better…I’ve been getting to talk to more of the girls and get to know them, and all of us have just gotten closer. It’s so cool that I’m actually enjoying parts of this school haha. Weird!!!! ;)

I really want to leave this on a happy note. SO, I’m so excited that I decorated my Christmas tree and made more cookies haha. Pictures to come!! ;)

*ps due to my long days at school I haven’t had any time to do anything at home so that’s why theres been nothing on the blog this week so I'm very sad about that but it will get better soon!

Maddie

iPhone Life

1// Feeling joyous

2// Winter nails (essie a list)

3// First chilly day calls for a sweater and boots!

4// A pretty rose in my school garden

5// Rainy mornings <3

6// Soup and sushi with mom

7// Yummy breakfast of almond butter and blueberries on toasted raisin bread

8// Piling on everything from the whole foods salad bar

I want to do more of these, they're fun haha! Just a peek into my daily life from my iPhone ;) This week went bye fairly quickly. It was my moms birthday on wednesday so I bought her balloons and flowers, and surprised her with a few gifts. We also went out to dinner and I got her a beautiful fruit tart :) Now I am trying my hardest to decorate the house and my bedroom for Christmas…so far I have my white fairy lights up around my window, a mini christmas tree, and some other little knick knacks. But thats about it! Besides getting through school also ;) 

What are you guys up to this weekend? We have a family friend coming in so hopefully we will do something fun together since I haven't seen her in YEARS. 

Maddie

School is Cool?

Okay so today…at school…I actually enjoyed myself. I had a good time, and I felt happy. Am I really typing this? Yep I am. And today during lunch, two girls, really nice girls, came up to me and sat with me. And we talked, and it was SO nice. I don't know why this is happening, but I have a feeling its because I've changed my way of thinking dramatically. I don't wake up depressed and mopey anymore, I wake up energized and ready to conquer my day. Instead of walking with my head pointed towards the ground, now I walk and smile to someone who looks at me. It's so refreshing, and almost insane that I got stuck in that rut to where I almost didn't care if I was happy or not. I have to say, it's weird that I'm enjoying school more. I've prayed to the universe to help guide me in the right direction, because I've felt very lost. And I'm starting to feel okay with that. I know I need to relax and understand that I'm young and I don't need to plan out my life right now. But I'm the type of person that likes plans, so. I've got to work on that. I've prayed to make friends, and to get a job, ad I really have a lot of faith that everything is going to fall into place. I know it takes time, I just want it all to happen quickly. 

So this was a post I never really thought I'd write haha! Surprised but very happy. And I'm so happy that I can be in this mood around Christmas time because well this is the most wonderful time of year :)

I love you all so much just so you know, and I hope you're having an amazing day or night whenever you're reading this <3

Maddie

First Experience: Boxing Class

(my free wraps i got ;) )

I finally did it. I went to my first group fitness class and I absolutely loved it. AND its at a boxing/kickboxing club so close to my house, which makes me even more excited to go since i've been looking for this for months. I got this coupon where I have an unlimited amount of classes for free for the next two weeks, and let me tell you I plan on going as much as I can.

When I walked in I was a little nervous, but it wasn't too crowded and there were people at all skill levels which made me feel a lot more comfortable. As soon as we started, I got all pumped up and gave it my all. Hitting that boxing bag (and maybe pretending it was some people that pissed me off last week lol) made me feel SO invigorated and confident. During the active rests we did lunges squats and different toning exercises and it was basically amazing haha. It was definitely hard and near the end i was counting down the minutes, but i honestly cant wait to go back. The trainers were so so nice and i felt like i had been going there for a while even though i had never set my foot in the door! 

Going to that class on Saturday morning helped me overcome a little fear I had of public fitness places haha but hey that's what life is about right?! When I got done I went to whole foods and made the most amazing salad bowl from the salad bar with roasted sweet potatoes, brown rice, arugula, walnuts, shredded carrots...ugh yum. Then I got home and took a power nap for about an hour and woke up very very sore haha! But I plan on going again today or tomorrow ;) 

I hope you're having a beautiful weekend!

Maddie

Rough Patches

So this week has been interesting to say the least. I've had major ups and downs with my emotions, crazy thoughts, confusion. But I need to realize and remind myself that this is all going to pass.

 I'm still trying to convince my mom to pull me out of the school I'm in to switch to online. I really want to just finish the credits I need to graduate and be done with high school. I want to put all my focus on getting a job and working on my blog and Youtube channel(soon). Guys, you have no idea what I've gone through with this haha. My mom and I have had numerous conversations and I'm trying so so hard to get her to do it. Send positive vibes please <3

I need to work on keeping myself in a state of happiness and positivity. Because I have a tendency to let myself drop to that place of sadness and hopelessness when something doesn't go right, and that's not okay. It's easier said than done, but I need to practice that. I feel like I'm rambling on now but I just have to get this off of my chest.

I am also waiting on a couple of counselors slash nutritionists. Crazy. I'm not too thrilled to be going to them, but it's the doctors orders. I'm still pushing myself to eat more and get more calories and all that stuff. But no matter what I have to get help and address the problem. And I need an eating plan since I'm vegan that my parents will approve of. So. Much. Madness.

But no matter what, I need to be grateful. And I am. My parents are the absolute best and I don't know what I would do without them.

I hope everyone is having a good day/week :)

Maddie

What the Future Holds

Today I went back to the doctor for a check up, just to see how the medicine I took worked and if I'm feeling okay, which I am! :) I'm definitely feeling full of energy and more like myself, which I am soooo thrilled about. I knew the doctor was going to bring up if I've been eating more, and I was stern with him to make sure he knew i most surely am. I mean seriously guys, I've been doubling my portions and eating an extra meal at night too. What I don't understand is I've only gained two pounds since I saw him three weeks ago, so that kind of bothers me. For anyone who doesn't know, I have to gain about 12-15 pounds to get back to a normal weight :/ The doctor still wants me to see a nutritionist, which i'm not completely sure about. I've already learned so much about food and the body, that a nutritionist couldn't outsmart me or talk me into anything. So I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. And tomorrow (wednesday). Oh boy. I have to go back to school tomorrow after being gone for three weeks. I'll be honest and say I'm nervous. I really hope some of my teachers give me a break on the work I've missed, I know it sounds childish of me and I'm almost 18 and I should make up what I missed, but this is a different kind of school and it's hard to explain the kind of work we do haha. Anyway, I'll have to keep you guys updated on whether or not I'm even staying at this school. Loooong story.

Okay well this post is already long enough, I didnt think it would get this lengthy! How is everyone's week going? :)

Maddie

Social Media

I've really been getting into Twitter and Instagram lately. Don't even ask me about Pinterest, I could  scroll on that for hours haha! But I want to know more about what people think of Twitter and Instagram. There are so many blog posts stressing how important it is for bloggers to stay connected through social media, and I'm just wondering how many actually do. There are days where you can't get me off of the internet, but some days I feel like its all fake, you know? It's not like how it used to be, where you can genuinely make new friends. Now it's more like "I'll follow your blog if you follow mine" and that drives me insane. 

Does anyone else feel the same way? On instagram, I'll be scrolling through some of my favorite accounts, and all the comments say are "like for like" "first" "follow back". I mean seriously! These social platforms are meant to help and create. Now it's all turned into a competition to see who can get more followers or likes. It truly makes me sad and I wish I could change it.

Now that I have my iPhone, I'm really making it a priority to make my twitter and instagram accounts nice and fitted to me. I want to put out genuine content and meet real, genuine people. I think it would be so cool to connect with different bloggers around the world. Wouldn't it? I've tried to join some of those blogger chats, but they are on a completely different time zone than me so it's so difficult to do. But one of the big reasons I started blogging was to make friends. I LOVE to chat with people who have some of the same interests as me, like many people do. So I think getting to know people through social media is awesome. It's important to me and I don't want fake people to troll my accounts either. But, i guess thats what comes with it nowadays so I shouldn't complain. 

What do you think about social media today?

Maddie

Being Honest

Happy Sunday everyone. Look I have to come right out and saying, getting pneumonia really knocked me to the floor. I haven't been myself, and I have felt absolutely terrible. I can't tell you how many times I've opened my computer, tried to write, and just sat there going crazy. I didn't want to force any junkie posts, so I just shut my laptop. I've cried more times than I can count in the past few days. Don't you hate that feeling when you just want to feel better or like yourself and it doesn't happen? It's seriously driven me crazy. I've been stuck on the couch for almost 10 days and I haven't been able to leave the house. And I am not one to just sit all day! Even when I'm sick I have a hard time staying still and resting, which isn't a very good thing haha. 

I've also had a lot on my mind about eating more. I can't mess around this time, so I have been eating a ton more. It's been tough, especially for me whose a control freak. I've had to eat huge meals when I'm stuffed from the meal before, and eat more before I go to bed, but it's what it's come down to. I have to gain a minimum of 15 pounds, so we'll see how it goes. My mom also forced me to eat some chicken soup, so I had to eat that. She also bought me a piece of salmon too, so she made me eat that. I guess I just have to suck it up. Eating no chicken or fish has done nothing good for my body, so I just have to accept that my parents are going to make me eat it. I don't agree with eating animals, but like I said I have no choice until I can get some weight on my body. I will keep updating you guys on how I'm doing. 

My iPhone came in!!! Which totally put me in a better mood. Seriously I danced when the mail guy dropped it off haha! 

So that's just whats going on with my life at the moment. I really hope to get my creativity back. I don't know if I'm going to school tomorrow (i may or may not be praying to stay home lol). I hope everyone has had a good weekend :)

Maddie

To Be Well Again

Man I feel so out of the loop! On Tuesday I went to the doctor to see what's going on with me, and it turns out I do have pneumonia, I even got blood work and a chest X-ray done. I've been coughing like a maniac and had fevers on and off...it's really not fun being sick haha. I'm never sick either, the last time I was was last year at this time!

Anyway, this doctor also talked to me about my weight. He did diagnose me with an eating disorder, which I didn't take as a surprise. He asked me questions and he was very honest and gentle, which made me so much more at ease. I felt like I could talk to him like a friend, he didn't seem like a stern doctor, you know? He recommended a few places that deal with eating disorders, and while I know it would certainly help, I'm not sure if I'm up for that yet. I've already quadrupled my calorie intake and I understand what I did to my body, but i know it might not seem like that to adults who are concerned so I get it.

So basically I've been stuck on the couch. Every hour or so I will switch up what I'm doing or where I'm sitting just so I dont go completely crazy haha! I'll get up and walk around outside or do some gentle stretches just to help with my aches. My lower back is killlliiing me from all the coughing. Anyway, i've been annoyed with myself because I have all of this time to write and create posts but I just haven't had the spark or the creativity! I guess being sick makes me kind of crazy so I'm not myself. I hate not posting but I know its quality over quantity ;)

Oh! and guess what's coming in the mail?? My new iPhone!!! Ugh I'm so excited. FINALLY. A NEW PHONE. Hopefully it comes today.

By the way, you guys should follow me on twitter (@maddieeebug) I've been getting into twitter a lot recently, and when my phone comes in I'll also start posting to my Instagram! (@maddieeebug) I'm so excited <3

Maddie

Weekly Recap

Like my picture of the London eye? Haha I've been daydreaming about London on many occasions this week...I wish there was happier or more exciting news to share but I am still curled up on the couch...with PNEUMONIA. Can you believe it?? I caught it from my mom after helping her when she was sick but I honestly thought I was going to be okay...guess not.

I've mostly been (like I said) stuck on the couch/inside my house for the past week, but on the bright side I can still jot down a few things that made me feel a teeeeny bit better :)

//Making chocolate chip cookies that are vegan and gluten free, heaven haha\\

//Deep emotional talks with my mom\\

//Getting a solid 8 hours of sleep...trust me you have no idea how great that feels\\

//Staying home all week from school ;)\\

//Having lots of inspiration/creativity flow as I sit here coughing and wheezing lol\\

Anything interesting happen to you this week?

Maddie

Update

Still sick. I've actually gotten worse, my cough has gotten deeper into my chest and I've been getting low fevers and feeling flu-ish. I really thought I'd be able to shake this before it got into anything serious but I guess it got me :(

Later today I plan on sitting down with my mom and telling her some important things...I want to tell her about how I want to get serious with this blog and how I want to start Youtubing...also switching back to online school so I could also get a job! Hahaha lots of things but its important to me. I'm ready to start my journey!! :)

And I'm still trying to convince her to get me an iPhone...hopefully today I will be the proud owner of one lol.

Pray for me to feel better!!! I neeeeeeed to look and feel presentable for job applications this weekend. (dramatic I know but you've gotta help a sister out)

Maddie

I've been hit

I thought I was in the clear, but nope. I got sick. After my mom has been sick for over two weeks, then a couple days ago my brother got sick, now guess who's turn it is! ;) I've been helping them out since they don't have the energy to do much, so I'm surprised I didn't get sick quicker. I guess that's just my healthy immune system haha! So I'm staying home from school today, thank god. I think I need to explain my feelings towards this new school in another post though...more on that soon. Anyway I plan on curling up with a blanket, my computer, and writing some posts. and maybe scrolling through Pinterest for hours :)

What do you guys have planned for the week? Today since I'm staying home, I want to fix my resumé and go get some job applications (!!!) and I also want to start working on my inspiration board :) which will also be another post!

I hope everyone has a beautiful day :)

Maddie

Getting a Bit Personal..

Okay. So i'm going to open up a little here and come right out with what I want to say. I've been going through a rough time recently, even more so the past few weeks. About two years ago, I changed my eating habits majorly when my mom went to nutrition school. She started learning so many interesting things about food, and obviously she shared the knowledge with me. I found it all very fascinating, and decided to change what I had been eating. Up until that point, I had never had a problem with food, body image or anything like that. I ate healthy like 80% of the time and indulged in what I wanted to. I ate pasta, dairy, bread of any kind, pancakes, you know all the normal stuff. Looking back at photos, I had a beautiful toned body. I didn't exercise to "burn anything off" i did it to feel good. I did things like swim some laps in my pool, yoga and barre.

So after learning about certain foods, I decided to eliminate some from my diet. My mom didn't want me going crazy, but since I never had a problem with food, she let me. I got rid of dairy, gluten, any sort of meat, and eggs. Yep, I became vegan.

At first it was sort of easy. And I felt really good. But it got hard to come up with different meal ideas and still get enough protein and calories. 

Fast forward a few weeks and I start thinking about the dreaded "nutrition label" and calorie count. I remember asking my mom how many calories we should eat in a day and I think that's where it all started. 

I started majorly cutting back on everything I ate. I still remained vegan, but on occasion I would eat fish just because I felt like I should in front of my parents so they knew I wasn't up to anything weird.

Well I was.

After a couple months of changing my eating, I had lost about 10 pounds. But that I mean any kind of fat I had, and muscle. I lost my period. And on top of all of this (which I forgot to mention earlier) I had started over-exercising. By that I mean running on the treadmill like a crazy person every single day. When I think about what I did some days, I'm surprised I've never been admitted to the hospital. I remember not eating more than a handful of nuts one day, and then being so frantic over the calories I went and ran for 30 minutes full speed. Ugh.

And running gave/gives me a high. It releases stress (while I'm running). I'm able to run like this because of my genetics, my build and all of that stuff. And the more I ran the easier it got to be able to run faster and longer, so it was like a self-competition. I would keep wanting to out-do myself and run further and longer than the days before. 

Because of this over-exercising and calorie restriction, I started noticing things about my body. My beautiful thick hair I once had was now brittle and shedding majorly. My nails became weak. I always felt tired, my skin started to dry out, I stopped growing so much hair (and being italian I always had slightly hairier arms/legs than average!) Basically my body was telling me to stop everything I was doing.

But I ignored these signs and kept up my routine. So fast forward to now. Over a year later. I'm very underweight (like 15-20 pounds). I'm fully vegan. I don't ever indulge, maybe I'll eat some dark chocolate every now and then, but it's hard for me to have any sort of dessert or something special without feeling guilty about it later. The only special things I have are hand made by me, all vegan and gluten free delicious creations. I've spent hours over-exercising like a maniac running, strength training, and everything in between. I have a very hard time eating the right amount of calories. And you know that heart to heart I mentioned I had with my mom? Yeah that was about this whole thing.

I'm aware that I have an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with it and literally wanted to faint. I remember learning about these eating disorders in health class laughing with my friends saying, "who would ever do that to themselves??" Honestly I cant believe I became one of those girls.

After some conscious decisions today (and believe me it's really hard on me mentally) I think I'm going to stop running/over-exercising. I'm done hurting myself. Running became an obsession, a way to "burn off" what I had eaten. It also started taking over my life in crazy ways, where I would make sure I had no plans on the weekends or after school so I could make sure I would fit it in. My mom told me she doesn't mind if I don't eat whatever I don't want to eat, as long as I get enough. So basically I have to triple or quadruple the amount of food I'm eating. Which, is a very tough thing for me to do. It's like a safety net for me. I didn't really mention it in this post, but I've gone through a lot of crap the past couple of years, and all of this has kind of gone along with it. She warned me that if I don't start gaining weight soon and eating more, she's gonna make me go to a doctor or nutritionist. The only reason she hasn't brought me anywhere is because she really believes in me, and I can't thank her enough for that.

After reading/ discovering The Balanced Blonde and reading this post from Chocolate Covered Katie, I'm finally ready to change my life. I'm tired of always being tired, fatigued, looked at in funny ways. Oh yeah, I should probably mention I lost my amazing butt I had, along with any "curves" I had....I wish I could say I wasn't crying right now but thinking about the body I had when I was happy and anxiety free makes me cringe. It was beautiful and perfect the way it was. Now I am very boney, lanky and people always ask me if I'm okay or if I eat enough. Of course I lie because what else would I do? But like I said, I'm done with this phase of my life. Isn't it crazy that I'm jealous of the body I got rid of? Now all I want is to have my old body back. My toned abs and lifted butt (thanks to barre). I should mention I'm tall (5'7'') and I have very long legs and arms (its just how I'm built, my dad and many family members are the same way) so being very underweight doesnt do me any good. 

So basically I'm starting to eat more, but it's going to take a lot of mental strength to do. It's very tough for a person with an eating disorder to just suddenly start doing something totally different. I'm going to take a break from running and see what happens. Already though, I feel a weight lifted off my chest that i dont have to go anywhere, you know? Instead of having a joyful feeling to go out and run, it's become a chore and its been creating anxiety in me all day every day. And it's been hurting my hips and knees too, and all I've done is ignore the signs. 

I still want to exercise, because that's just the competitive side of me. I love to push myself and I love to sweat, and yes sometimes (a lot of the time) i over do it. and i dont eat enough. But all that is going to change now. I'm going to start doing more HIIT, strength training, and take walks instead of running. I absolutely love walks. And I'm completely addicted to yoga! That has helped me so much with clearing my mind and easing my crazy thoughts. I just have to remind myself that when I'm pushing myself hard like I do, I need. to. eat. more.

This is very personal for me to post, so I hope it doesn't totally shock any of you. I don't really know what else to say, but if any of you are going through something similar or you have any thoughts/suggestions, please leave them down below. I wanted to share this because I felt like I had to. I don't want to seem all happy and cheery when I'm going through something major in my life. I don't ever want to hide anything from my readers. I also felt like I had to share this with someone, and maybe one of you reading this will relate I dont know. I've gone through this for a while and this journey has been a major part of my life, but seeing as I am almost 18, I think I'm ready to change my ways and finally take control of my life again. I would love to meet with Jordan from The Balanced Blonde, because her journey with food and over-exercising is very similar to mine and talking with someone who totally gets it would be so freaking awesome. How do I get in touch with her?!?

Maddie

Sunday Catch Up

Man my fall break fleeeew by. I can't believe I have to go back to school tomorrow...and I'm not sure how I feel about that haha. I guess I shouldn't complain, it's my last year anyway. Well although the week started off great, things kind of took a different turn. My mom ended up getting a flu like virus and I feel terrible. She would go from absolutely freezing cold to dripping with sweat, and I'm not even joking when I say dripping. I tried to help her as much as I could, making her soup and running to the store if she needed something. I didn't end up going anywhere to hangout or to get stuff for my room but that's okay, it's not bothering me. My mom hardly ever gets sick so seeing her like this really makes me feel bad. I would pick staying home baking cookies with her over anything. 

Speaking of cookies, I made the most AMAAAAZING pumpkin almond cookies last night, and honestly they hit the spot right on. They are spicy from the cinnamon I added, sweet and nutty, with the added flavor of pumpkin. UGH YUM. Would you guys like a recipe?? I found one on pinterest but kind of tweaked it to make it my own. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :)

Maddie