Weekly Recap

Okay, so this week was a bit of a blur to me! It went bye really fast and was filled with so many different emotions. in my last post I talked about how crazy confused I am about my "diet"/lifestyle, and looking at it now I feel kind of stupid about it.

I've talked to so many different bloggers about this, and I even got in touch with Jordan from the Balanced Blonde (formerly the Blonde Vegan). If any of you know her blog, you know that she was a very strict vegan until last year when she came out about her eating disorder. She has a huuuuge following, and for her to be able to get back to the email I sent her made me absolutely ecstatic. And the email was long and loving and so so amazing, and basically saved me from going into a deep whole of another disorder. I basically told her I'm totally lost with what to do about my disorder, meaning if I should try these certain lifestyles like high carb or high fat. Jordan answered perfectly that I know deep down doing these fad diets not only cause me more of a restrictive mindset, but also inner competition. It's hard to explain but she did so well.

So anyway, I'm not going on a high carb diet. I had low energy, and I'm getting signals from my body that it wasn't working, like my thinning hair and dry skin. Basically I need to get back to the way I was eating, but more. Which brings me to my next point, my calories and fitness. I'm taking a two week break from exercise, which if you know me is totally unheard of. I haven't taken that long of a break for over a year. It's crazy but its true. I read another blog post from Emma D Fitness, and she basically has the same story as me. She lost her period, restricted her food, and became obsessed with healthy food and overexercising. ME. She explained in her post that she had come to the realization in the midst of her eating disorder that what she was doing to her body was absolutely pointless. She was obsessed with having abs 24/7 (guilty) and always pushing herself to her limits (guilty again). She knew she had to gain body fat because she had none in order to get her period back, and to do this she needed to up her calories and stop working out for the time being. To make this story shorter, she did, despite being addicted, stop exercising for 2 weeks and majorly ate more. She didn't gain a ton of weight funnily enough, but she did get her period back. And that was the beginning of her recovery. And I've come to the realization that that's what I have to do too. It's so hard for me not to exercise or at least do yoga everyday, but I HAVE to get my body back to normal. I'm sick of being so thin and tired all the time. For what? I miss my old body, where I was strong and ready to do anything all the time. I miss my thick hair and strong nails..

So yep. Starting today I'm eating a lot more, especially fats. I'm not going to exercise for at least a week or two, and we're gonna see where this goes. It's like I'm starting over on my health and fitness journey. It's time for me to get my body back in order, because I'm almost 18 and I'm 20 pounds underweight. Not good.

That's my crazy week for ya! It's been very cold and rainy every single day, which I love, but don't get me wrong I'm constantly feeling like an icicle. Most days after school I've been bundled up reading blogs and catching up on youtube videos ;)

Here's to the beginning of my new journey, day one.

Have a good weekend <3

Maddie

I'm Vegan, Now What?

So I've been kind of on the down low when it comes to food posts, because to tell you the truth I've been going through a really hard time lately. I haven't been sure if I wanted to share all of what I'm feeling, but after thinking about it this is where I share everything and I'm going to just spill everything right now.

As some of you may know, I'm vegan. I could also say I'm gluten free, processed sugar free, you know the works. Basically I only eat fruits, veggies, and plants haha. I don't know when it started, probably a couple weeks ago, but I was constantly looking at new food accounts on instagram of girls who are my age that went through eating disorders and healed themselves with going high carb low fat vegan. I have seen this before but I never really thought anything of it, and I just kind of kept it in the back of my mind. When I look at some of these posts, its smoothies with like 6 bananas plus dates, or a huge potato with endless amounts of veggies, or meals of 10 mangoes. For some reason, I got the urge to want to try this lifestyle. After all, I'm going through an eating disorder right now, trying to recover, so if these girls were able to heal themselves with this kind of lifestyle, why couldn't I? I realized that there are different kind of high carb diets. Some consist of eating raw meals/fruits all day and then a cooked meal of starches at night. Or some you can just eat all the carbs you want all day, like oats, rice, potatoes, fruits and veggies. 

For the past week, I've had nothing but carbs. I've eaten plenty of sweet potatoes with veggies, tons of oatmeal, fruit fruit fruit…And this morning I had my first smoothie with 2 bananas. Which is a lot for me, coming from someone who restricted. To tell you the truth, I feel good. I'm never bloated and my skin and body feel amazing. But it's all becoming a bit too much for me. I feel like I'm becoming overwhelmed with everything and I don't even know how to explain it. I know I'm trying to recover from my eating disorder, and so far I have been getting more calories in because I've been eating more starches, but I don't know if I can switch over to a lifestyle like this, at least not now. I'm pretty sure my mom has noticed that I've changed my eating habits the past week, and I don't think she would be on board with me eating like this, at least not at first. A lot of the girls I've talked to about their past eating disorders said eating this way helped them gain the weight they needed back, but my gut is telling me that might not work for me. I don't know, like I said I feel like I'm thinking in 10 different directions. Today though, since I did have my first "big" smoothie, I feel sort of bloated. And I had another huuuge sweet potato at lunch today. And last night, I had made some granola with grated apple and maple syrup, and since I was so hungry because it was late in the day, I ate a lot of it and felt full and bloated a bit. I don't know if it's all in my head, or nerves or if this way of eating really isn't right for me. I've only been eating like this for 6 or 7 days so I can't just say it doesn't work, but I think I might have to put this on hold. After all, if I really did want to switch to this kind of eating, I would still have to triple my calories at least and really know what I'm doing and how to eat these bigger meals. And its hard for me to think about that. 

I feel like I'm constantly trying to outdo myself. Eat more fruit, drink more water, exercise longer and harder, more carbs, less fat, more protein, less carbs…I feel like a yoyo. And I never thought I would be in this position. I don't want to be like those girls who constantly go from diet to diet, trying to figure out a medium. Because the way I was eating before, with nuts and seeds and less "starchy meals" I felt fine. Like I said in a previous post, I think Instagram and social media are getting the best of me and I think its time I take a little break from them. I'm constantly comparing myself to these fitness and health accounts and I know its not healthy, and its addictive. 

Sorry for this being a long ramble-y post. I just felt like I had to get it off of my chest. I don't know what to do. Do I stop this high carb thing, or do I try it and see where it takes my mental state, my weight and my overall wellbeing? Or do I go back to eating the way I was, but adding in more fats and proteins so I really gain the much needed weight back? Help :-( 

Sometimes I wish all of this was just a dream and I could wake up, without my bad eating habits, and enjoy life without constantly bringing myself down, competing 24/7.

Maddie

Daydreamin'

Lately I've been so focused and uptight about this upcoming summer, that I think it's staring to consume me a little too much. I know I shouldn't be as worried as I am about what is coming after I graduate, but when will I start to figure it out, you know? I feel like I've over thought so many things that some of what I've thought doesn't even make sense anymore, if that makes sense haha. I want so badly to get a job, blog like a real blogger, and have everything in my life just fall into place. And I know that's a lot to ask for when I'm not even 18 yet. And I guess that's social media to thank. Making it look like those perfect bloggers have their perfect lives, living out their day dream everyday. It stinks that everything takes time and patience, but then again that's the whole point of life, isn't it? To create those memories and relationships between the hard times and the journeys. 

I'm really trying hard to visualize what I want and to write down my goals, because when I used to do that when I was younger, it would always happen oddly enough. I don't know why I ever stopped that in the first place. Do any of you write down what you want to achieve, and do you find that it helps you to accomplish that goal?? 

Just daydreaming….

Maddie

iPhone Life// January

1// New Years Eve rocking some bold makeup 2// White nails 3// Beautiful morning sunrise on the first day back at school (which was kind of wimpy but this picture made the day a lot brighter! 4// Delicious Kale, roasted sweet potato, quinoa, and slivered almond salad

5// Stuck in acting class! 6// A perky little flower I spotted on a lovely walk :) 7// Bling with a fuzzy sweater always makes me happy

These are just some pictures from my instagram from the month of January so far, since it's been going bye so quickly!! I mean really it's almost over…nuts. I feel like I haven't had time to start anything because I've been worried too much about the future. I know I need to stop that and start thinking in the present moment. Ahhhhh. Right now I'm going to pick up a book at the library called "The Starch Solution" and I'm sooooo excited to read it. It's all about being on a high carb, low fat vegan lifestyle. It's nothing about losing weight or anything crazy like that, because that's definitely not something I need, but it's just about feeling balanced and whole through lots of fruits and veggies and stuff like that. Learning about food really interests me and I'll be making a lot more posts about it soon, and about my current diet and what's been on my mind :-)

Happy Wednesday!!

Maddie

Reflective Thoughts

As I sit here and eat my delicious banana oatmeal, all of the sudden I got the urge to write everything thats coming to me. I feel so good and grateful and happy and I just want everything to happen.

By that I mean all of my goals. Today I plan on creating and putting together my 2015 dream board, filled with everything I want to accomplish this year. I know I've been a bit quiet here on the blog, and thats because I've been confused. I want to make this a place where I LOVE to be, grow, share and create, and right now it's just not what I want it to be. 

All day everyday I've been thinking about the content I want to create, where I want to go with my life, different hobbies I want to pursue, and I've kind of felt like a jumbled mess! But right now in this moment, it came to me that it's okay to feel this way because thats what humans go through. It's hard to accept these annoying feelings sometimes, because it seems like everyone is always living the perfect moment, happy 24/7, and it's just not how it is. That's also another subject I really want to conquer this year: comparison. I've noticed that I've started to follow a lot more blogs and it's been kind of bringing me down. I keep thinking: "well I do it because she did it." And i've got to stop that. Ive been thinking about taking another social media break, because when I did that in September I felt better than ever, and when I came back it didn't feel so bad.

Anyway this is kind of ramble-y but that's whats going through my head. I hope everyone understands! I just want this to be the best place it can be :) I want this blog to grow with me as I do and be a place where I can look back on my life and just be grateful that I took on this path. I am feeling super motivated and energetic today to thats why it's kind of a deep one! ;)

Happy Sunday <3

Maddie

Makeup Forever HD Foundation Review

For the longest time I have been using drugstore foundations, just because they are easy to get and they're affordable. My first foundations were from Chanel, and they were definitely worth it. But I didn't feel like asking my mom to go and buy me expensive foundation over and over again so thats why I started using my L'Oreal True Match and Maybelline. For a while I loved these brands, but it seemed like after using them for so long the formula started to change and it just wasn't sitting right on my skin anymore. I had heard so much about this Makeup Forever Foundation, but for some reason I was just afraid to purchase it, I guess because I didn't want to spend a nice amount of money on something that I couldn't use.

WELL, I was lured in at the counter in Sephora and ended up purchasing it, and let me tell you, I am sooooooo glad I did. I have the shade 117, and while it's a little light, it's still the perfect match because it has my undertones, which is hard for me to find in foundations since I am light and olive-y. When I first opened it and squeezed a pump onto my hand, I immediately thought it would be too watery and light coverage. But after I applied one layer to my face, I was actually very shocked, I even dropped my jaw haha! It covered SO well, and it evened out my skin tone with just a thin layer. I love that I didn't have to add more and feel like I have a lot on my face, because even though I like full coverage I still like my skin to feel like it's able to breathe. 

Overall, it's very easy to blend out and create a nice flawless base. I use my Sigma Flattop Kabuki brush, but I'm sure it would work just as well with your fingers or a beauty blender. It lasts alllll day long which is such a big plus for me. I remember after the first day I came home from school wearing it, and it hadn't budged. 

So I'm super pumped that I finally have this foundation in my life. Have any of you tried it, or do you consider trying it after this review?

Maddie

Forever 21, H&M and Urban Outfitters Haul

This weekend I was feeling super spendy and while I kind of feel guilty, I really truly need new clothes. It's almost spring and I'm just starting to buy my winter seaters. Like?!! No. Thats not okay! Anyway, I got some money from Christmas, and I couldn't hold on to it anymore haha. So I spent about 2 hours walking around this new Forever 21 store they opened at my mall, and let me tell you, its huuuuge. It's kind of overwhelming at times, especially if you're not in the mood to shop. But I was and I was picking out certain pieces that I wouldn't normally gravitate towards. I've been trying to switch up my style or find what I really like, because I just feel a little lost. Sometimes I feel girly, other times I feel grunge/urban, sometimes I feel more casual…its kind of annoying! Does anyone have some tips on how to find your style? I need them desperately. 

I only picked up a few things, but as you can see they are all sweaters, besides the beanies. And they are all fuzzy too! I don't know whats with me. I'm excited to wear the fuzzy pink sweater, i think its girly but its edgy, and I think it would look good with my high leather boots and a statement necklace.

I'm new to beanies, but I have always wanted to wear them and incorporate them into my wardrobe, so I forced myself to buy some. I already wore the black one to school once and got many complements on how I looked with it, so that made me feel good! And that goes back to feeling more casual on some days.

Anytime I go shopping I always pick up a necklace or two, and I found these beautiful ones at Urban. It kills me to pay a little more, but cmon they are gorgeous!! And I love the one with the crescent moon, that is my absolute favorite symbol.

Well this ended up being longer than expected haha! Hope you don't mind :-) How would you style these pieces??

Maddie

It's Friday, Friday

As I'm typing this I'm eating some deliciouuuus cookie dough my mama made. It's so sweet and melt-in-your-mouth yummy and just had to share that as I reflected on my week haha! So this week school started up again, and even though it's terribly depressing that all of the holiday festiveness is over it really wasn't that bad. I got to experience my fashion class which is everything I could ask for and more, and i met some really nice girls that I've sat with at lunch for the past couple of days and it's just been really nice. It also warmed up a bit, so now I'm not FREEZING in the morning…don't get me wrong I'm still an icicle but I was able to chill out in the sun for a little while which is my favorite thing to do in the summer…agh those summer feels. I also drove to my grandmas house and stayed with her for a couple hours and we talked and reflected about a lot, and that's something i never get to do with her, so that was a nice surprise and it left me feeling really good.

That was my week! I hope everyone has something fun planned for the weekend :) How was your week?

Maddie

Favorite Trends

Ever since I switched into my fashion class at school, I've dove right into the fashion world and I'm LOVING it. I can't believe I wasn't in this class to begin with, because it's just what I wanted and needed. My teacher is working with me one on one with what I want to learn about the fashion industry, like trends, styling, and visual design/displays. It excites me so muuuuch *squeals*

So anyway, I've been reading through tons of magazines and websites and I've come across so many upcoming trends that I'm loving and I wanted to share them with you. Which ones are your favorites? I especially love the biker jacket with high-waisted pants…lately I've been feeling like a rebel and I've wanted to change up my style drastically haha! ;)

p.s. even though I'm still absolutely depressed Christmas is over, I've been dying to layout in the sun and tan and get dark again. I really miss those summer vibes. Is it too early to be saying that!?

Maddie

It's a New Year

It's a new year, and to be very openly honest, I really want to change. Not in a big way, but just improve myself. Over the last couple of months I have gone through a lot of confusion about my life, school, where and what I want to do after I graduate high school, and it all got to me. I'm still trying to ease off of myself and just let myself relax and breathe, but it takes time. 

I want to get more personal on this blog, and take it very seriously. Since my head has been anywhere but here, I feel terrible and guilty. There were some weeks where I was content and posting everyday, and over the last month or two its been every 3-5 days, and I'm not okay with that. I'm not saying I'm just gonna post something to have something go up, I want my content to be great quality that you look forward to reading. 

I want my blog to grow so much this year, and I want to DO so much this year. I want to write and achieve goals, accomplish things that scare me, and work my butt off. But at the same time, go easy on myself and tie my body a break when it needs it, because I struggled with that last year. 

The content on this blog will change a bit, I want it to be more organized. Im sort of beauty, food, lifestyle, all over the place, but I've been putting a lot of thought into it and I want to share more of what I love, like design, fashion, baking vegan things (since I am vegan haha!) and overall beauty. 

I am SO looking forward to this year. I know it's going to be amazing and filled with scary situations, but I have to get over that. Im gonna push myself, get inspired, and kick 2015's ass! ;)

Care to join me?!

Maddie

Bordeaux

This beauty of a lip gloss I picked up at Sephora a few days ago with a gift card I got for Christmas, and after walking around the store second guessing myself if I should get it, I am sooooo glad I did. It's a lip cream from Bite Beauty called "Bordeaux" and it is the most gorgeous shade of plum and burgundy. I've been looking for deep purples like this to wear on my lips because I've been feeling a little vampy lately for winter haha, so this is the perfect color. It doesn't smudge at ALL. I wore this on New Years Eve from 10 in the morning until midnight and after eating and drinking it was still purely there. I was surprised, but then again the formula is so thick and pigmented its not gonna budge. 

I also loved wearing this because its all natural, and you can basically eat it, hence the name of the brand ;) which I thought was clever! It also smells like fruit, not too overpowering, but a nice scent. 

Would you try this dark color?

Maddie

Hello 2015

Here's to new beginnings!!! Gosh I can't believe its a new year, a fresh start. I'm so glad I get to start everything over sort of haha, 2014 was a crazy year for me. It was filled with so many different emotions; confusion, loneliness, joy…but in the end its all worth it. I started public school again and even though I was considering going back to online, I stuck through it and now I love it. I've met some really good friends, I've discovered things about myself, and I've learned so so much this past year. So much about well being and happiness and the universe…its crazy.

I just want to take a second to thank everyone reading this. This is my little part of the internet, my own separate world, and I get to share whatever I want to. Not enough, and not well enough either. This year, I want my blog to grow enormously. I want to post frequently and post things that truly mean something to me. I want to broaden my comfort zone and try new things with writing and creating. Im going to push myself to do whatever I can to become a better blogger, writer, creator, photographer, you name it. 

I went through a lot this year but its all in the past now. I have a feeling like 2015 is going to be absolutely amazing, mostly because I'm graduating high school and frankly I don't even know whats coming up yet. So its scary, but so fricken exciting at the same time :)

So this is the look I wore on NYE, I felt like going all out haha! I went for a very sparkly dramatic eye, and very very dark purple lips. All of the colors on my eyes were from the Naked 2 Palette, I used Verve on my lid, YDK on my outer lid and blackout in my crease. I also smudged it under my eye and blended it with my L'oreal eyeliner kajal, which I put in both my tight line and waterline. Then for my winged liner I used my Maybelline Master Precise liquid liner, which I love and use almost everyday for my wings. And my favorite part of the look, the lips :D I went to Sephora and picked up the Bite Beauty Cashemere Lip Creme in "Bordeaux" (review coming soon). So far its absolutely gorgeous and looks so dramatic and deep haha. 

How was everyone's New Year's (Eve)? Tell me all about it!! I hope you have such a great start to the new year, and I wish you best of luck for everything, and good, positive vibes :) I love you guys!!

Happy New Year!

Maddie