Counting Down

There's only 8 more nights until Christmas morning.

I only have 2 more final tests to take.

Which means only two more days of school.

Which means I will finally be on Christmas break.

Which means I can do whatevvvverrr I want!

These last few days have been crazy. I can't wait until everything slows down and I can finally enjoy wintertime and the Christmassy feeling in the air.

Oh and did I mention I haven't done any Christmas shopping?

Nope. Not one gift. I mean honestly?!

But school has been going good. I have a little group of friends now, which I can't believe. The one girl that asked to walk with me during lunch introduced me to her friends and now we sit together and talk. It really has changed my time there a lot, I feel happier and everything. So that's good :)

What is everyone up to? I feel so out of the loop.

I think I might make a batch of cookies and some tea and try to relax.

Maddie

Let's Chat

Today I just felt like rambling a bit, so there’s your warning.

Some days I’ll feel on top of the world, like I can do anything and be anything I want to. I will feel strong and powerful and confident. I’ll imagine myself surrounded by great people and wonderful things.

And then on some days, I’ll feel small and weak and not very happy or joyous or grateful. I really hate feeling this way but it just happens.

I was walking around my school campus at lunch and I was thinking about myself and situations I put myself into. There are a couple of nice girls I’ve wanted to talk to for months now, and I haven’t. Because I feel nervous and unaccepted. I feel like they’ll think I’m boring and not “cool” or too shy and quiet. Yes I am like this, but once I get to know someone I have a hard time being serious and shutting up. That’s just me. It’s like I’m afraid to talk…and let people in on my thoughts. I haven’t had a real genuine friend for 4 years. So it’s kind of like I’ve forgotten what having a friend feels like. I’m a Gemini for crying out loud I have MULTIPLE personalities. That I can definitely believe.

Well while I was walking around, one of those girls noticed me and stopped me and welcomed me to sit with her and her friend at lunch. Like, it’s like she read my mind. Did I manifest this?? I believe so. It’s all I’ve been thinking about, making friends and having people to talk to.

How do I get over this anxiety of talking to people and approaching them?? Do I sit down and tell them the truth that I’ve been wanting to talk to them for MONTHS? I really want to, and what would be so bad about that anyway? Obviously they’ve noticed me too… I don’t know. I feel like I’m going bit crazy.

I also haven’t gone to get my job application yet at the store I want. Well, it kind of took me a little while to figure out I need to be in retail, and the store that would be awesome to work in is Urban Outfitters. They WERE hiring for seasonal employees a couple weeks ago, and since I got sick I wasn’t able to go. I really really REALLLLY hope they’re still hiring, because it would be a miracle if they were. Getting into retail would be amazing for the school I want to go to and the field I want to be in. the weeks have been going bye so quickly and I’ve had little things come up. I just feel like I’ve pushed it off to the side and I shouldn’t have.

Anyway, it’s been a long week at school. Everyday I have to stay after 4 extra hours for acting rehearsals, but since I’m not in the play I’ve been doing nothing. The first two days were pretty long, tiring, and boring. But I have to say, the last two days were a lot better…I’ve been getting to talk to more of the girls and get to know them, and all of us have just gotten closer. It’s so cool that I’m actually enjoying parts of this school haha. Weird!!!! ;)

I really want to leave this on a happy note. SO, I’m so excited that I decorated my Christmas tree and made more cookies haha. Pictures to come!! ;)

*ps due to my long days at school I haven’t had any time to do anything at home so that’s why theres been nothing on the blog this week so I'm very sad about that but it will get better soon!

Maddie

What the Future Holds

Today I went back to the doctor for a check up, just to see how the medicine I took worked and if I'm feeling okay, which I am! :) I'm definitely feeling full of energy and more like myself, which I am soooo thrilled about. I knew the doctor was going to bring up if I've been eating more, and I was stern with him to make sure he knew i most surely am. I mean seriously guys, I've been doubling my portions and eating an extra meal at night too. What I don't understand is I've only gained two pounds since I saw him three weeks ago, so that kind of bothers me. For anyone who doesn't know, I have to gain about 12-15 pounds to get back to a normal weight :/ The doctor still wants me to see a nutritionist, which i'm not completely sure about. I've already learned so much about food and the body, that a nutritionist couldn't outsmart me or talk me into anything. So I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. And tomorrow (wednesday). Oh boy. I have to go back to school tomorrow after being gone for three weeks. I'll be honest and say I'm nervous. I really hope some of my teachers give me a break on the work I've missed, I know it sounds childish of me and I'm almost 18 and I should make up what I missed, but this is a different kind of school and it's hard to explain the kind of work we do haha. Anyway, I'll have to keep you guys updated on whether or not I'm even staying at this school. Loooong story.

Okay well this post is already long enough, I didnt think it would get this lengthy! How is everyone's week going? :)

Maddie

Week(end) Goals

Update: I'm still getting better from being sick. I didn't make it to school this week either, and I think in all I've missed about 14 or 15 days. Honestly seeing that typed out freaks me out. I've never missed that many school days in my life, and to think of all the makeup work I have to do or will probably have to do makes me cringe. Anyway, since I've been stuck in the house I haven't really been able to accomplish much. BUT, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get my butt out of the house to do the things I want to. Liiiiike:

// Apply for jobs...seriously there are soooo many stores looking for holiday employees, I need to get my face out there quickly!

// Bake some holiday cookies, because ya know that's all people are talking about since Halloween is over!

// Write write write

// Take Vitamin C so I get this sickness out. of. my. body.

Please send good vibes my way haha. I've been so not myself recently, just unmotivated and down, and being this sick isn't helping. So send happiness and positivity to me pleeeeease! :)

 Maddie

To Be Well Again

Man I feel so out of the loop! On Tuesday I went to the doctor to see what's going on with me, and it turns out I do have pneumonia, I even got blood work and a chest X-ray done. I've been coughing like a maniac and had fevers on and off...it's really not fun being sick haha. I'm never sick either, the last time I was was last year at this time!

Anyway, this doctor also talked to me about my weight. He did diagnose me with an eating disorder, which I didn't take as a surprise. He asked me questions and he was very honest and gentle, which made me so much more at ease. I felt like I could talk to him like a friend, he didn't seem like a stern doctor, you know? He recommended a few places that deal with eating disorders, and while I know it would certainly help, I'm not sure if I'm up for that yet. I've already quadrupled my calorie intake and I understand what I did to my body, but i know it might not seem like that to adults who are concerned so I get it.

So basically I've been stuck on the couch. Every hour or so I will switch up what I'm doing or where I'm sitting just so I dont go completely crazy haha! I'll get up and walk around outside or do some gentle stretches just to help with my aches. My lower back is killlliiing me from all the coughing. Anyway, i've been annoyed with myself because I have all of this time to write and create posts but I just haven't had the spark or the creativity! I guess being sick makes me kind of crazy so I'm not myself. I hate not posting but I know its quality over quantity ;)

Oh! and guess what's coming in the mail?? My new iPhone!!! Ugh I'm so excited. FINALLY. A NEW PHONE. Hopefully it comes today.

By the way, you guys should follow me on twitter (@maddieeebug) I've been getting into twitter a lot recently, and when my phone comes in I'll also start posting to my Instagram! (@maddieeebug) I'm so excited <3

Maddie

Update

Still sick. I've actually gotten worse, my cough has gotten deeper into my chest and I've been getting low fevers and feeling flu-ish. I really thought I'd be able to shake this before it got into anything serious but I guess it got me :(

Later today I plan on sitting down with my mom and telling her some important things...I want to tell her about how I want to get serious with this blog and how I want to start Youtubing...also switching back to online school so I could also get a job! Hahaha lots of things but its important to me. I'm ready to start my journey!! :)

And I'm still trying to convince her to get me an iPhone...hopefully today I will be the proud owner of one lol.

Pray for me to feel better!!! I neeeeeeed to look and feel presentable for job applications this weekend. (dramatic I know but you've gotta help a sister out)

Maddie

Sunday Catch Up

Man my fall break fleeeew by. I can't believe I have to go back to school tomorrow...and I'm not sure how I feel about that haha. I guess I shouldn't complain, it's my last year anyway. Well although the week started off great, things kind of took a different turn. My mom ended up getting a flu like virus and I feel terrible. She would go from absolutely freezing cold to dripping with sweat, and I'm not even joking when I say dripping. I tried to help her as much as I could, making her soup and running to the store if she needed something. I didn't end up going anywhere to hangout or to get stuff for my room but that's okay, it's not bothering me. My mom hardly ever gets sick so seeing her like this really makes me feel bad. I would pick staying home baking cookies with her over anything. 

Speaking of cookies, I made the most AMAAAAZING pumpkin almond cookies last night, and honestly they hit the spot right on. They are spicy from the cinnamon I added, sweet and nutty, with the added flavor of pumpkin. UGH YUM. Would you guys like a recipe?? I found one on pinterest but kind of tweaked it to make it my own. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :)

Maddie

Joyous Perfection

Oh boy it's been a minute since I posted last. I was afraid of this happening once I started public school again! I'm really sorry guys, this last week was a bit crazy! I had a lot of schoolwork, babysitting hours, and chores to do but this weekend I'm getting a lot of stuff done for the bloggy :)

I want to start off by saying I had an emotional week. I'm not 100% sure why, but I think I am feeling many different emotions all at the same time. I'm still getting over some nerves from starting a new school, I've felt a bit lost, confused on what I want to pursue, confused on kids at school, and frustrated. Then on some days I felt elated and happy to be where I am. It's all so hard on me. 

I was talking to my mom about being happy, and I was asking her and telling her "I can't wait to be happy" and "i wonder how happy people stay happy." (happy happy happy lol). And then out of nowhere she said something beautiful to me. She said that it's never gonna happen. We are humans, with deep feelings and emotions. We are like the ocean, where we will have gigantic waves of sadness, but like the water it will pass. Or we will have days of overcoming joy, but that will pass too, just like the waves of the ocean. And I totally get it. Even the happiest of people have bad days, it just might not seem like it in their perfect world. The most important part I think to understanding this is to understand that when there is sadness, anger, fear, guilt, it will ALL pass. But it takes time. No one knows how long it will last, and in some cases you have control over it. 

I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I kind of had to get that off my chest. It helped me realize that it's OKAY for me to feel this way. After all, I'm only 17! Holy crap that scares me haha. I have been thinking non stop about this coming year, because it's my last year in high school. Thats it. It's over. And it happened before my eyes. I have no idea where the time went and part of me wishes I could get some time back. I've also been feeling regret, regret of not taking more chances and speaking up in class, or talking to new people. It's all so stupid, how society makes you feel so unworthy of everything, isn't it? I definitely had a tough couple of years but I do feel a lot stronger because of it. Since it's my last year, I've had to think about what I want after school is over. Yes I do want to go to college. But the question is, WHAT college? WHERE do I go? Do I leave the state I'm in like I really really want to? Do I travel abroad like I really really want to? Do I compeltely forget the whole college thing and get an internship with some companies or magazines like a really really want to do?? Questions and scenarios like this keep me up for hours at night and I feel like I might explode from all the tension.

On a completely different note, I have actually had a good time at school. And I'm learning a TON of stuff about photoshop, which is awesome. My dad even said he would buy it for me this weekend, which, I'm not gonna lie, made me let out an ear-piercing scream. I can't help it! Hahaha :) Now I'm just chilling on my bed banging out a lotta posts and writing a bit! ;)

Maddie

Big Changes Coming ☼

Well. Here I am with another update. So yesterday, my mom and I went to the school I was considering switching to for a little tour. There were a couple other kids and their mom/dad with them too. When we got there I guess I could say I was a little nervous, but I was actually pretty confident and okay with everything. The person who was giving the tour was the dean, or the principle, and she seemed really nice. 

Anyway, the school isn't like a regular school. This school focuses on the arts, so dance, film, art, theater, music, painting, etc. There's no cafeteria, and there's only a few classrooms. Everything else is music rooms, dance studios, a stage. It's kind of crazy but totally cool. As I was walking around the school I was making up scenarios in my head of what it would be like to actually go there. I have to admit, I was getting pretty excited. I mean, this is what I have asked for for over a year, and here it finally came to me, like a gift from above. And I don't mean to get weird, but I have seriously prayed for something like this to come to me. I'm just not somebody who is cut out for a regular high school scene. I'm more into creating and using my brain for the better, and I want to study what I'll be doing later in life, not wasting time in a math class shoving useless information into my brain.

So when the tour was over, me and my mom walked out of the building and we both start crying. Honestly, I couldn't even catch my breath. We both know that this school is meant for me, just because it's everything I'm about, and I've had such weird messed up high school years anyway. Like, this is my 3rd school in four years!! I never thought I would say that but I guess everything happens for a reason. And i have to say I'm really excited for it to start. It's definitely going to be a change from what I've been doing for the last year, but that's what I prayed for. I prayed to be super busy, to meet friends, to go and learn things like dance and theater and graphic design. And it all fricken came to me and I just can't get over it.

Me and my mom hugged and then we laughed. Lol we're both excited. Like, my life is finally gonna start. She said she and my dad want to get me a car, and I about died when she said that. I still have to get my license, but that will be a piece of cake. Then I'll be able to drive myself to school every morning, and then back home a couple hours later. And since it's my last year I also get out earlier, so I don't have to go all day, which is a huuuuge bonus. I'm really hoping to get a job too, because I need to start making and saving money. Ahhhh this is making me excited :)

So it was kind of big day for me yesterday! I'm moving to another school and essentially changing my life haha :) Of course I'm nervous, but I have total faith in myself and this school. So, I'll definitely keep you guys updated with new news. Leave any questions down below :)

Maddie

A little life update ☯

Hey guys! I hope you're having a great start to the week :) My life has been a littttlee hectic so I thought I would just fill you guys in on what's going on.

Okay basically, for the last year, I've been doing online school. For the most part I liked it, and there is really nothing to complain about. I've gotten ahead with my classes, and it gives me a pretty flexible schedule. I mean, I'm literally able to do whatever I want or go where ever I want everyday, which is amazing. The thing is, I thought it would've of made me a lot happier as a person, but it truly hasn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely in a much better spot mentally than I was 12 months ago, but I still don't feel 'right.' Being at home everyday for school, it can get really draining. Unless you have something planned, you don't leave the house, and this isn't something I really put a lot of thought into. For the first two months, it really wasn't that bad. It kind of felt like summer vacation. But after that, I started to get depressed and lonely, because my mom started her own business and created work for her to do outside of the house. And both of my brothers go to public school, so I was home alone allllll the time. And it started to bother me. I wanted to get a job, but that's a loooong story and we'll just keep it at that haha.

Anyway, it's a year later and my mom brought up a high school that she found through a friend. I would only go here for a year, since this is my last year (god that makes me cringe). It's an arts school, so it specializes in dance, theater, painting/drawing, film making, graphic design, photography, fashion, and basically anything artsy you can think of. Well when my mom told me this i started crying in her arms, because it's something I've been wishing for. A school to learn about what I love and live for. 

So me and my mom got in contact with the head of the school, and I'm scheduled to tour the school in two days. AND, registration for the school is already closed, so if they accept me, it is basically fate that I'm supposed to go to this school. I mean, how crazy is that? I'm just a little anxious because I have never been to a school like this, and it's my last year, so I would be kind of like the newbie in a sea of professionals. I guess I shouldn't worry about it because I would hope I'm happy at this school, but who the heck knows! I have had SUCH a hard time deciding whether I should go there or not...Because if I stayed with online school, I would take classes at a college campus also and get college credits, and get a job. And depending on how much time I would have free if I went to the other school, I would still want to get a job, too...I mean I just have no idea. Please give me some of your thoughts here!! 

So that's a little spot of my school life, I also have some family coming up to stay with us for a few days, but that shouldn't stop me from blogging ;) It's also my brother's birthday this weekend, so I think we'll be doing a little something to celebrate that also. Busy busy busy!

I'm also in need of a haircut desperately. I need to get at least 3 or 4 inches off, and yes that's kind of a lot for me but I want a major change. *Like adding purple major change lol*

I hope everything is going great in your life, and let me know in the comments what you've been up to :)

Maddie