What I Got For Christmas 2014

As I said in an earlier post, I'm definitely feeling the post Christmas blues. Our Christmas tree is even looking a little brown and crispy which makes me even sadder haha. We're gonna try and keep it for as long as we can, but i don't think it will be long before the ornaments start to fall off!

Anyway, I'm writing this to share what I got for Christmas, if the title didn't already give it away ;) This year I actually wasn't even going to create a Christmas list. I feel like every year as I've gotten older, I haven't felt the need to ask for much..I don't know why but thats just whats happening. I'm currently redecorating my room, so that was part of my present anyway. I asked my mom if I could get all new furniture from IKEA and other stores and just some shopping money, and she said thats fine if you're okay with that, and I am! My mom just felt bad because she wanted me to have presents to open under the tree, and I get it. It's always nice to have some gifts to open, but that doesn't really matter to me anymore. If I get to pick out things I want, that is completely fine with me. So today, my mom and I are headed to IKEA to purchase the pieces I want and I'm soooo excited :) I've wanted to do this for months and I'm so glad I finally get to do it. 

Along with the furniture, my mom also got me some really cool acrylic storage bins for my makeup and desk area, which I'm obsessed with. She also got me a fluffy pillow to go with the other new pillows on my bed, and an amaaaazing (faux) fur throw/blanket and it keeps me so so warm haha. I wasn't expecting this, but she also gave me 3 sephora gift cards, and I'm not gonna lie I did let out a tiny squeal when I opened them. I can't wait to go and spend them!

I got other little things like a really nice yoga mat, workout clothes, a beautiful Paris 2015 calendar, the updated Teen Vogue Handbook, my favorite chocolate, new pjs..and something my mom does every year is make us "coupons" or little pieces of paper with certain things like "Good for a shopping trip" and "good for new shoes". I got a couple of those which made me super happy. As I've gotten older, my mom doesn't know my style very well so she can't get me clothes or shoes anymore, so that's what she started doing haha!

So as you can see its sort of all about my room this year, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I got some really cute amazing gifts, and now I get to put my room together! So I'm really thankful and happy, I had such a great Christmas.

What are some of the things you received? Or your favorite present? I don't think I can choose, but probably being able to buy the things I want from IKEA :)

Maddie

Getting a Bit Personal..

Okay. So i'm going to open up a little here and come right out with what I want to say. I've been going through a rough time recently, even more so the past few weeks. About two years ago, I changed my eating habits majorly when my mom went to nutrition school. She started learning so many interesting things about food, and obviously she shared the knowledge with me. I found it all very fascinating, and decided to change what I had been eating. Up until that point, I had never had a problem with food, body image or anything like that. I ate healthy like 80% of the time and indulged in what I wanted to. I ate pasta, dairy, bread of any kind, pancakes, you know all the normal stuff. Looking back at photos, I had a beautiful toned body. I didn't exercise to "burn anything off" i did it to feel good. I did things like swim some laps in my pool, yoga and barre.

So after learning about certain foods, I decided to eliminate some from my diet. My mom didn't want me going crazy, but since I never had a problem with food, she let me. I got rid of dairy, gluten, any sort of meat, and eggs. Yep, I became vegan.

At first it was sort of easy. And I felt really good. But it got hard to come up with different meal ideas and still get enough protein and calories. 

Fast forward a few weeks and I start thinking about the dreaded "nutrition label" and calorie count. I remember asking my mom how many calories we should eat in a day and I think that's where it all started. 

I started majorly cutting back on everything I ate. I still remained vegan, but on occasion I would eat fish just because I felt like I should in front of my parents so they knew I wasn't up to anything weird.

Well I was.

After a couple months of changing my eating, I had lost about 10 pounds. But that I mean any kind of fat I had, and muscle. I lost my period. And on top of all of this (which I forgot to mention earlier) I had started over-exercising. By that I mean running on the treadmill like a crazy person every single day. When I think about what I did some days, I'm surprised I've never been admitted to the hospital. I remember not eating more than a handful of nuts one day, and then being so frantic over the calories I went and ran for 30 minutes full speed. Ugh.

And running gave/gives me a high. It releases stress (while I'm running). I'm able to run like this because of my genetics, my build and all of that stuff. And the more I ran the easier it got to be able to run faster and longer, so it was like a self-competition. I would keep wanting to out-do myself and run further and longer than the days before. 

Because of this over-exercising and calorie restriction, I started noticing things about my body. My beautiful thick hair I once had was now brittle and shedding majorly. My nails became weak. I always felt tired, my skin started to dry out, I stopped growing so much hair (and being italian I always had slightly hairier arms/legs than average!) Basically my body was telling me to stop everything I was doing.

But I ignored these signs and kept up my routine. So fast forward to now. Over a year later. I'm very underweight (like 15-20 pounds). I'm fully vegan. I don't ever indulge, maybe I'll eat some dark chocolate every now and then, but it's hard for me to have any sort of dessert or something special without feeling guilty about it later. The only special things I have are hand made by me, all vegan and gluten free delicious creations. I've spent hours over-exercising like a maniac running, strength training, and everything in between. I have a very hard time eating the right amount of calories. And you know that heart to heart I mentioned I had with my mom? Yeah that was about this whole thing.

I'm aware that I have an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with it and literally wanted to faint. I remember learning about these eating disorders in health class laughing with my friends saying, "who would ever do that to themselves??" Honestly I cant believe I became one of those girls.

After some conscious decisions today (and believe me it's really hard on me mentally) I think I'm going to stop running/over-exercising. I'm done hurting myself. Running became an obsession, a way to "burn off" what I had eaten. It also started taking over my life in crazy ways, where I would make sure I had no plans on the weekends or after school so I could make sure I would fit it in. My mom told me she doesn't mind if I don't eat whatever I don't want to eat, as long as I get enough. So basically I have to triple or quadruple the amount of food I'm eating. Which, is a very tough thing for me to do. It's like a safety net for me. I didn't really mention it in this post, but I've gone through a lot of crap the past couple of years, and all of this has kind of gone along with it. She warned me that if I don't start gaining weight soon and eating more, she's gonna make me go to a doctor or nutritionist. The only reason she hasn't brought me anywhere is because she really believes in me, and I can't thank her enough for that.

After reading/ discovering The Balanced Blonde and reading this post from Chocolate Covered Katie, I'm finally ready to change my life. I'm tired of always being tired, fatigued, looked at in funny ways. Oh yeah, I should probably mention I lost my amazing butt I had, along with any "curves" I had....I wish I could say I wasn't crying right now but thinking about the body I had when I was happy and anxiety free makes me cringe. It was beautiful and perfect the way it was. Now I am very boney, lanky and people always ask me if I'm okay or if I eat enough. Of course I lie because what else would I do? But like I said, I'm done with this phase of my life. Isn't it crazy that I'm jealous of the body I got rid of? Now all I want is to have my old body back. My toned abs and lifted butt (thanks to barre). I should mention I'm tall (5'7'') and I have very long legs and arms (its just how I'm built, my dad and many family members are the same way) so being very underweight doesnt do me any good. 

So basically I'm starting to eat more, but it's going to take a lot of mental strength to do. It's very tough for a person with an eating disorder to just suddenly start doing something totally different. I'm going to take a break from running and see what happens. Already though, I feel a weight lifted off my chest that i dont have to go anywhere, you know? Instead of having a joyful feeling to go out and run, it's become a chore and its been creating anxiety in me all day every day. And it's been hurting my hips and knees too, and all I've done is ignore the signs. 

I still want to exercise, because that's just the competitive side of me. I love to push myself and I love to sweat, and yes sometimes (a lot of the time) i over do it. and i dont eat enough. But all that is going to change now. I'm going to start doing more HIIT, strength training, and take walks instead of running. I absolutely love walks. And I'm completely addicted to yoga! That has helped me so much with clearing my mind and easing my crazy thoughts. I just have to remind myself that when I'm pushing myself hard like I do, I need. to. eat. more.

This is very personal for me to post, so I hope it doesn't totally shock any of you. I don't really know what else to say, but if any of you are going through something similar or you have any thoughts/suggestions, please leave them down below. I wanted to share this because I felt like I had to. I don't want to seem all happy and cheery when I'm going through something major in my life. I don't ever want to hide anything from my readers. I also felt like I had to share this with someone, and maybe one of you reading this will relate I dont know. I've gone through this for a while and this journey has been a major part of my life, but seeing as I am almost 18, I think I'm ready to change my ways and finally take control of my life again. I would love to meet with Jordan from The Balanced Blonde, because her journey with food and over-exercising is very similar to mine and talking with someone who totally gets it would be so freaking awesome. How do I get in touch with her?!?

Maddie

Monday Mantra: Try Something

Happy Monday beautiful people!! :) I am in SUCH a happy peppy mood and I'm really thrilled about it. Sometimes, even though I try my hardest to stay positive, I can slip into weird funks and I get upset with myself. BUT, i have to remind myself that I am human and I have emotions and its OKAY to show them, just not get caught up with them.

How was your weekend? I had a blast with my dad at the baseball game. My team ended up loosing, but it was soooo close! But i had fun daddy/daughter time :) Yesterday I kind of just chilled out around the house. I did some yoga, relaxed in the sun, and then went and saw a late movie with my mom.

But the point of this post is to start your week off right, with a nice quote! :) I have so many quotes that I love from my pinterest board that it's hard to choose just one. But this one stuck out to me because I've been pushing myself to do this for a couple of weeks now.

I know it's hard to push yourself to do something, especially when you've got no motivation to do so. Trust me, i know how you feel. But ever since I started reading these success books and listening to these motivational speakers, I saw something trending. These successful people did something everyday to push themselves closer to a goal they set. So if you want to create a successful blog, write or journal for a couple minutes everyday. Or if you want to be a better photographer, go and take pictures, of ANYTHING! Mess around with the editing software on your computer. Or if you're obsessed with makeup try doing your own makeup differently. It all makes a difference, and when you find something that you love doing it creates a spark in your mind. 

It wasn't too long ago that I was struggling to do anything I wanted. I had no motivation, and no idea what I wanted to do. But my mom kind of opened my eyes and just told me straight up, that I have to make my own choices. I can't just sit around and wait for life to happen. I, MYSELF, have to make and create MY life! That's when my mind trailed off and thought about this blog that I created and forgot, well not totally forgot but you get the idea. I got scared because I wasn't ready to start it, but after waiting a few months I finally was, and ever since then I have gotten my new camera, and I've just been doing stuff like crazy! :)

When you finally push yourself to do something, so many doors open and you open yourself to do new things. Really, even doing the little things like writing down 5 goals while you have your breakfast in the morning helps.

I hope this gives you that extra motivation for the week. I love you guys, and remember that it's okay to feel lost sometimes. It's those weird feelings that lead us to something bigger :)

xx,

Maddie

The Most Important Meal of the Day (maybe)

Good morning! Or good afternoon, evening, night, whenever you’re reading this. I’ll start off by saying I am a morning person. I could wake up every single day at 5:00 am when the sun rises and it probably wouldn’t bother me (actually, it’d kill me if I had to go to school). In the mornings when I wake up early, I feel like I have the most energy. Sometimes I’ll meditate or do yoga, sometimes I’ll write or jot down some ideas.

In the mornings I love to make a great breakfast. It’s something I’ve started doing recently, and it just makes me happier haha! For this post I will show you my oatmeal that I make almost every day. This isn’t what I always eat, but I could save my other meal ideas for another post (if you’d like?) :)

Usually I make regular steel-cut oats, but recently I’ve been loving quick oats. It’s so simple and fast, and a little bit of a change from the texture of regular oatmeal. First I’ll heat up some water in a pot, until little bubbles start to form. The key is to not let the water boil!! If you put the oats in right before the water really gets hot, it will turn into the perfect consistency. Then, when it thickens up after a couple of minutes, I’ll add a splash of coconut milk. Let me hear the “oooohs” and “aahhhs” and YUMS! Really, this makes it so creamy and divine. I also add a dash of cinnamon and stevia extract to sweeten it up a bit.

For toppings, usually I will always go for berries. Strawberries, blueberries...I also love to slice some banana. Mmmmmm making me so hungry even though I ate this a couple hours ago. Sometimes, I’ll heat some frozen blueberries in a little mini pot on the stove while the oatmeal is cooking, and when its done I’ll pour the blueberries over the oatmeal. IT’S AMAAZING. And no matter what topping, I’ll always add some nuts to top it off. This adds extra protein, and yumminess. Walnuts, pecans, or almonds are my go to.

So maybe this inspired you to try somethin’ new! :) I hope you enjoyed, and if you guys want I can do more recipe ideas soon! I really love to experiment with food, so expect some foodie posts in the near future ;)

Xx,

Maddie

Currently Loving: My favorite bracelet

This is just a quick little post i felt like writing..Recently, I have been wearing a certain bracelet every single day. I really love it a lot, especially because it means something special to me.

My mom bought this for me after she saw me eyeing it in a little boutique. We know the designer of it, so that just made me want it even more! I saw my mom sneak away with it, and i think she might of thought i didn't see her. hehehe. 

Well, long behold i found it in my Easter basket :) i was so excited. but enough of that, I want to tell you what it means. This bracelet was made from Lapis, turquoise, clay beads, and swarovski crystal. It's called "Lord of Success" and it was also blessed. It protects, removes obstacles, gives knowledge, wisdom, and wealth. The elephant is a symbol of courage, strength, luck and longevity. The Lapis is protection and psychic awareness. 

To tell you the truth, I feel stronger when I wear this. It calms me and gives me a good feeling. So, that's why I've been wearing it! It's a little different than what I would usually wear or pick out, but after looking at it, I do think it's beautiful.

Do you have any interesting jewelry items?

xx, Madison

Sunny Saturday Morning

Today I went to my first yoga class in a really long time, probably since I was 10 or 11, so six or seven years ago. It was actually really amazing, and such a relaxing thing for me to do. After a lot of emotional things going on, I think I really needed a class like this. It wasn't just an easy yoga class either. I actually got pretty hot and sweaty doing some of the moves! Which is good, because I like a challenging yoga sequence. 

The yoga instructor talked about overcoming obstacles and releasing fear through our breath. Just breathing through all of these different challenging stretches really helps to remove blockages throughout the body, if you know what I mean. I really liked one part of the class, where we were all in child's pose, and it looked like we were bowing or surrendering ourselves in front of the teacher. She said that surrender doesn't mean to give up, but to let go of something. And that really stayed with me. I think it taught me that even if we "give up" something it doesn't always mean we're throwing in the towel. It just means we know enough was we need and what we don't need, and that it's okay to let go. 

The teacher said some really great things throughout the class, but I just wanted to share some of what she said with you. Maybe it will help one of you, or maybe it was just a quick little story to read :-) 

Have a beautiful weekend!!! 

xx, Maddie