To Be Well Again

Man I feel so out of the loop! On Tuesday I went to the doctor to see what's going on with me, and it turns out I do have pneumonia, I even got blood work and a chest X-ray done. I've been coughing like a maniac and had fevers on and off...it's really not fun being sick haha. I'm never sick either, the last time I was was last year at this time!

Anyway, this doctor also talked to me about my weight. He did diagnose me with an eating disorder, which I didn't take as a surprise. He asked me questions and he was very honest and gentle, which made me so much more at ease. I felt like I could talk to him like a friend, he didn't seem like a stern doctor, you know? He recommended a few places that deal with eating disorders, and while I know it would certainly help, I'm not sure if I'm up for that yet. I've already quadrupled my calorie intake and I understand what I did to my body, but i know it might not seem like that to adults who are concerned so I get it.

So basically I've been stuck on the couch. Every hour or so I will switch up what I'm doing or where I'm sitting just so I dont go completely crazy haha! I'll get up and walk around outside or do some gentle stretches just to help with my aches. My lower back is killlliiing me from all the coughing. Anyway, i've been annoyed with myself because I have all of this time to write and create posts but I just haven't had the spark or the creativity! I guess being sick makes me kind of crazy so I'm not myself. I hate not posting but I know its quality over quantity ;)

Oh! and guess what's coming in the mail?? My new iPhone!!! Ugh I'm so excited. FINALLY. A NEW PHONE. Hopefully it comes today.

By the way, you guys should follow me on twitter (@maddieeebug) I've been getting into twitter a lot recently, and when my phone comes in I'll also start posting to my Instagram! (@maddieeebug) I'm so excited <3



Weekly Recap

Like my picture of the London eye? Haha I've been daydreaming about London on many occasions this week...I wish there was happier or more exciting news to share but I am still curled up on the couch...with PNEUMONIA. Can you believe it?? I caught it from my mom after helping her when she was sick but I honestly thought I was going to be okay...guess not.

I've mostly been (like I said) stuck on the couch/inside my house for the past week, but on the bright side I can still jot down a few things that made me feel a teeeeny bit better :)

//Making chocolate chip cookies that are vegan and gluten free, heaven haha\\

//Deep emotional talks with my mom\\

//Getting a solid 8 hours of sleep...trust me you have no idea how great that feels\\

//Staying home all week from school ;)\\

//Having lots of inspiration/creativity flow as I sit here coughing and wheezing lol\\

Anything interesting happen to you this week?



Street Style Inspiration: Kendall Jenner

Over Fashion week, one celebrity that really caught my attention was Kendall Jenner. Of course I'm obsessed with her already, but her effortless style is just evvverryyttthing. Even when she's just snapped walking with friends from place to place, she always looks chic and put together. One thing I noticed about Kendall that she always does is make sure shes comfortable. You can see she is often wearing jeans, but dressing them up with awesome boots and killer leather jackets, which I would love to get my hands on for fall and winter. The look above is something I put together, which is something I would wear inspired by Kendall. I could totally see her walking around in this outfit, dont you think? ;) Where I live it doesnt get much cooler until December, so wearing a cropped top isn't such a bad thing if you're covered up in other places. 

I'm also in love with that black backpack, it gives off such a cool chic vibe.

Would you wear something like this?




Still sick. I've actually gotten worse, my cough has gotten deeper into my chest and I've been getting low fevers and feeling flu-ish. I really thought I'd be able to shake this before it got into anything serious but I guess it got me :(

Later today I plan on sitting down with my mom and telling her some important things...I want to tell her about how I want to get serious with this blog and how I want to start Youtubing...also switching back to online school so I could also get a job! Hahaha lots of things but its important to me. I'm ready to start my journey!! :)

And I'm still trying to convince her to get me an iPhone...hopefully today I will be the proud owner of one lol.

Pray for me to feel better!!! I neeeeeeed to look and feel presentable for job applications this weekend. (dramatic I know but you've gotta help a sister out)



Fall Inspiration

As Fall continues on I continue to obsess over dark colors. I guess it's just a habit, but I'm wearing it everywhere. On my nails, eyes, lips, and especially clothes. What I'm really looking for is a nice trench coat, not that I need one for the kind of weather I live in haha! 

Just some quick inspiration for everyone :)



I've been hit

I thought I was in the clear, but nope. I got sick. After my mom has been sick for over two weeks, then a couple days ago my brother got sick, now guess who's turn it is! ;) I've been helping them out since they don't have the energy to do much, so I'm surprised I didn't get sick quicker. I guess that's just my healthy immune system haha! So I'm staying home from school today, thank god. I think I need to explain my feelings towards this new school in another post though...more on that soon. Anyway I plan on curling up with a blanket, my computer, and writing some posts. and maybe scrolling through Pinterest for hours :)

What do you guys have planned for the week? Today since I'm staying home, I want to fix my resumé and go get some job applications (!!!) and I also want to start working on my inspiration board :) which will also be another post!

I hope everyone has a beautiful day :)



Getting a Bit Personal..

Okay. So i'm going to open up a little here and come right out with what I want to say. I've been going through a rough time recently, even more so the past few weeks. About two years ago, I changed my eating habits majorly when my mom went to nutrition school. She started learning so many interesting things about food, and obviously she shared the knowledge with me. I found it all very fascinating, and decided to change what I had been eating. Up until that point, I had never had a problem with food, body image or anything like that. I ate healthy like 80% of the time and indulged in what I wanted to. I ate pasta, dairy, bread of any kind, pancakes, you know all the normal stuff. Looking back at photos, I had a beautiful toned body. I didn't exercise to "burn anything off" i did it to feel good. I did things like swim some laps in my pool, yoga and barre.

So after learning about certain foods, I decided to eliminate some from my diet. My mom didn't want me going crazy, but since I never had a problem with food, she let me. I got rid of dairy, gluten, any sort of meat, and eggs. Yep, I became vegan.

At first it was sort of easy. And I felt really good. But it got hard to come up with different meal ideas and still get enough protein and calories. 

Fast forward a few weeks and I start thinking about the dreaded "nutrition label" and calorie count. I remember asking my mom how many calories we should eat in a day and I think that's where it all started. 

I started majorly cutting back on everything I ate. I still remained vegan, but on occasion I would eat fish just because I felt like I should in front of my parents so they knew I wasn't up to anything weird.

Well I was.

After a couple months of changing my eating, I had lost about 10 pounds. But that I mean any kind of fat I had, and muscle. I lost my period. And on top of all of this (which I forgot to mention earlier) I had started over-exercising. By that I mean running on the treadmill like a crazy person every single day. When I think about what I did some days, I'm surprised I've never been admitted to the hospital. I remember not eating more than a handful of nuts one day, and then being so frantic over the calories I went and ran for 30 minutes full speed. Ugh.

And running gave/gives me a high. It releases stress (while I'm running). I'm able to run like this because of my genetics, my build and all of that stuff. And the more I ran the easier it got to be able to run faster and longer, so it was like a self-competition. I would keep wanting to out-do myself and run further and longer than the days before. 

Because of this over-exercising and calorie restriction, I started noticing things about my body. My beautiful thick hair I once had was now brittle and shedding majorly. My nails became weak. I always felt tired, my skin started to dry out, I stopped growing so much hair (and being italian I always had slightly hairier arms/legs than average!) Basically my body was telling me to stop everything I was doing.

But I ignored these signs and kept up my routine. So fast forward to now. Over a year later. I'm very underweight (like 15-20 pounds). I'm fully vegan. I don't ever indulge, maybe I'll eat some dark chocolate every now and then, but it's hard for me to have any sort of dessert or something special without feeling guilty about it later. The only special things I have are hand made by me, all vegan and gluten free delicious creations. I've spent hours over-exercising like a maniac running, strength training, and everything in between. I have a very hard time eating the right amount of calories. And you know that heart to heart I mentioned I had with my mom? Yeah that was about this whole thing.

I'm aware that I have an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with it and literally wanted to faint. I remember learning about these eating disorders in health class laughing with my friends saying, "who would ever do that to themselves??" Honestly I cant believe I became one of those girls.

After some conscious decisions today (and believe me it's really hard on me mentally) I think I'm going to stop running/over-exercising. I'm done hurting myself. Running became an obsession, a way to "burn off" what I had eaten. It also started taking over my life in crazy ways, where I would make sure I had no plans on the weekends or after school so I could make sure I would fit it in. My mom told me she doesn't mind if I don't eat whatever I don't want to eat, as long as I get enough. So basically I have to triple or quadruple the amount of food I'm eating. Which, is a very tough thing for me to do. It's like a safety net for me. I didn't really mention it in this post, but I've gone through a lot of crap the past couple of years, and all of this has kind of gone along with it. She warned me that if I don't start gaining weight soon and eating more, she's gonna make me go to a doctor or nutritionist. The only reason she hasn't brought me anywhere is because she really believes in me, and I can't thank her enough for that.

After reading/ discovering The Balanced Blonde and reading this post from Chocolate Covered Katie, I'm finally ready to change my life. I'm tired of always being tired, fatigued, looked at in funny ways. Oh yeah, I should probably mention I lost my amazing butt I had, along with any "curves" I had....I wish I could say I wasn't crying right now but thinking about the body I had when I was happy and anxiety free makes me cringe. It was beautiful and perfect the way it was. Now I am very boney, lanky and people always ask me if I'm okay or if I eat enough. Of course I lie because what else would I do? But like I said, I'm done with this phase of my life. Isn't it crazy that I'm jealous of the body I got rid of? Now all I want is to have my old body back. My toned abs and lifted butt (thanks to barre). I should mention I'm tall (5'7'') and I have very long legs and arms (its just how I'm built, my dad and many family members are the same way) so being very underweight doesnt do me any good. 

So basically I'm starting to eat more, but it's going to take a lot of mental strength to do. It's very tough for a person with an eating disorder to just suddenly start doing something totally different. I'm going to take a break from running and see what happens. Already though, I feel a weight lifted off my chest that i dont have to go anywhere, you know? Instead of having a joyful feeling to go out and run, it's become a chore and its been creating anxiety in me all day every day. And it's been hurting my hips and knees too, and all I've done is ignore the signs. 

I still want to exercise, because that's just the competitive side of me. I love to push myself and I love to sweat, and yes sometimes (a lot of the time) i over do it. and i dont eat enough. But all that is going to change now. I'm going to start doing more HIIT, strength training, and take walks instead of running. I absolutely love walks. And I'm completely addicted to yoga! That has helped me so much with clearing my mind and easing my crazy thoughts. I just have to remind myself that when I'm pushing myself hard like I do, I need. to. eat. more.

This is very personal for me to post, so I hope it doesn't totally shock any of you. I don't really know what else to say, but if any of you are going through something similar or you have any thoughts/suggestions, please leave them down below. I wanted to share this because I felt like I had to. I don't want to seem all happy and cheery when I'm going through something major in my life. I don't ever want to hide anything from my readers. I also felt like I had to share this with someone, and maybe one of you reading this will relate I dont know. I've gone through this for a while and this journey has been a major part of my life, but seeing as I am almost 18, I think I'm ready to change my ways and finally take control of my life again. I would love to meet with Jordan from The Balanced Blonde, because her journey with food and over-exercising is very similar to mine and talking with someone who totally gets it would be so freaking awesome. How do I get in touch with her?!?



Setting Goals

I came across a blog earlier and the post I was reading was about setting weekly goals. Of course I've heard of this but it's the part of me that never actually did it. After reading the post, I sat staring at my computer like "why haven't I done this yet?" I had an ah-ha moment that when you write down goals for yourself to accomplish, you'll be more motivated and willing to check it off the list and have that satisfaction of completing something for yourself. 

So I think I'm going to start making this a weekly thing. I want to write and share my goals with you, and try my best to accomplish what I can during the week. And they don't have to be outrageously scary goals either, it can be something as simple as cleaning your room or going through clothes to get rid of. BUT it is important to make bigger goals too, because I do like the ones that make me feel a little bit scared :) Like, finally having the guts to apply for the job I want, or take a leap with my blog, dye my hair-haha! 

Hope this gave you a bit of inspiration on this fine day! :) Feel free to leave any of your goals down in the comments, I love hearing from you xx



It's the Weekend!

YES YES YES. This week actually went bye pretty fast for me because a lot was going on, but I'm still so so thrilled its finally the weekend. There were some good moments and some not so good moments haha but thats in the past and we can look back on the good! 

// I drove myself to school every day this week...what. \\

// I got my report card- all A's! \\

// I ate the best crispy apples like every day, oh I love autumn haha! \\

// Had a very nice heart-to-heart conversation with my mom, those are always comforting \\

// Witnessed the most magical hot pink sunset \\

// Talked to some amazingly nice new bloggers! \\

// I have been wearing this berry lipstick like everyday, and I'm not exaggerating. Definitely a fall staple! \\

I hope everyone had a great week. What's something good that happened to you? :)



Decorating Pumpkins

If you're like me carving a pumpkin isn't the easiest thing in the world. Once I get the hang of it and I can get around using a tiny sharp knife, I don't mind cutting into my design. But ever since I discovered "decorating" pumpkins I kind of became obsessed! It's a lot easier to do and personally I think the pumpkins turn out a heck of a lot prettier. 

My favorites are adding studs and/or jewels. They just stand out from the others and they look a lot more personalized too. Last year I also painted designs and stripes onto my pumpkins (of all sizes) and I couldn't stop looking at them to be honest. They are so cute! And I love the little ones that can fit into the size of your hand, I mean come on how can you not think that isn't adorable. I love coordinating them together because then you can easily arrange them on a table or in a jar and it makes your setting very warm and welcoming.

And the best part is, you dont have to remove the guts and worry about a rotting pumpkin!! ;) These beautiful pumpkin setups with an autumn candle burning and fireplace flickering make me feel soooooo cozy and I love it. Have any of you tried decorating pumpkins like this? Let me know!! 



Review: Revlon Nearly Naked Foundation

So as I said in a few posts before this, I have been looking for a new drugstore foundation for a few months now. My loyal L'Oreal True Match just isn't cutting it anymore, and for some reason I'm just not happy with it. It took multiple trips to the drugstore to pick out which foundation I was going to try, mostly because I was terrified of the color selection I was given. A lot of the colors were too pink, and since I am a golden-y olive skin tone it's a little harder to find a good match. I ended up going with Revlon's Nearly Naked because people on youtube had said they really liked it, and that was the closest I could get to my skin!

Right when I opened it I knew the color was a little too light, but that doesn't matter since I'm getting lighter anyway (goodbye beautiful sumer glow!). I wasn't sure if I should apply it using my foundation brush, finger, or beauty blender, but i ended up using my brush. I noticed when I put it on my skin it had a certain smell, almost like sunscreen, but that didn't bother me. 

Okay let's back up a little bit. One thing I would change would be the packaging. It's a little difficult to get the product out on the bottle, so you have to be careful when you pour it out. I just poured a little amount onto the back of my hand. A little spilled down the side of the bottle and I had to clean it up which was a tad annoying but what can you do! The formula is more on the liquidy watery side, but still has some thickness to it.

Back to applying the foundation, I noticed right away that it covered my redness very well. I almost didn't need another coat. It left a nice dewy skin like finish which I really like. I think this foundation is light to medium coverage and you can definitely build it up. If you have oily skin or an oily t-zone, go for the formula made for that skin type because this formula that I have is made for dry to normal skin. Although I do have an oily t-zone, it didn't make me shiny or have to blot, so that's a major plus!

Overall I'm really happy with it. Hopefully soon the color won't be too far off and I can enjoy this foundation! :)

Have you tried the Revlon Nearly Naked Foundation?



Currently Listening

I don't think I could get any more excited. I've been listening to "Shake it Off" since the day it was released, but can you blame me?! Even when I'm in the car driving, I can listen to it on the radio at least twice. Which makes for some great view of me singing as loud as I can behind the wheel haha! I'll admit I did get a little distracted and I almost caused an accident, no big deal. No it wasn't that bad but it does take my mind away from the moment ;)

Excitedly counting down the hours until her album releases...(!!!!!!!!!)

What have you been listening to?



Sunday Catch Up

Man my fall break fleeeew by. I can't believe I have to go back to school tomorrow...and I'm not sure how I feel about that haha. I guess I shouldn't complain, it's my last year anyway. Well although the week started off great, things kind of took a different turn. My mom ended up getting a flu like virus and I feel terrible. She would go from absolutely freezing cold to dripping with sweat, and I'm not even joking when I say dripping. I tried to help her as much as I could, making her soup and running to the store if she needed something. I didn't end up going anywhere to hangout or to get stuff for my room but that's okay, it's not bothering me. My mom hardly ever gets sick so seeing her like this really makes me feel bad. I would pick staying home baking cookies with her over anything. 

Speaking of cookies, I made the most AMAAAAZING pumpkin almond cookies last night, and honestly they hit the spot right on. They are spicy from the cinnamon I added, sweet and nutty, with the added flavor of pumpkin. UGH YUM. Would you guys like a recipe?? I found one on pinterest but kind of tweaked it to make it my own. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :)



15 Things to do in the Fall

1// PUMPKIN everything

2// Tea every night before bed, with a good read

3// Dark lips

4// Dark eyes

5// Cat Eyes ;)

6// Cold, crisp walks

7// Extra holiday baking

8// Squash, sweet potatoes, roasted veggies, all that good stuff

9// Leaves. Look at them, smell them, jump in them

10// Carve pumpkins!!

11// Switch up your decor. Add some rusty colors and spicy scents to totally transform a room

12// Layers. Oh yea, scarves, jackets, coats, hats. Then socks, boots and gloves. Oh how I missed layering

13// More cozy movie nights, with hot chocolate!

14// Wear braids in your hair

15// Go outside and take pictures. Then edit those pictures and make a collage :-)

What are your favorite activities to do in the fall?



Mother Daughter Day

Since I'm on my fall break (yeeeeee) my mom and I decided to travel up north in the spur of the moment. We just thought, why the heck not? Where I live, if you travel up north, it's like a completely different state. There are gorgeous bright red rocks, thousands and thousands of acres of trees and greenery, and beautiful little shopping centers where you could spend hours just walking around, which is what we did!

We ended up stopping for lunch at a beautiful little organic raw vegan cafe called The ChocolaTree, which is my kinda food haha! ;) They grow their own food right in the garden outside, which was covered with little lights and even a serene waterfall, ah it was so relaxing. The meal was delicious, we even ended up taking some home because they gave us so much. I ordered an amazing salad galled "the green goddess" with marinated kale, sprouts, seeds, humus, avocado, and cucumber. My mom ordered the Kale Quinoa, which was shredded kale, cabbage, carrots, quinoa, dressing, and I dont even know what else but it was delicious haha! 

The weather was sooooo nice outside. It was sunny, but at the same time breezy and kinda cloudy so it was perfect for walking around. We went into some little shops and picked out things we wish we would buy at that moment (kinda fun but kinda depressing!!) Where we walked around was absolutely breathtaking, it felt like we were in Italy or somewhere old like that in Europe. The buildings are covered with intricate carvings, old spanish tiles, huge carved wood doors and gigantic pillars. It got too dark to get pictures but I really wish I was able to. Even the fountains that are placed all over the area are magnificent to stare at. 

Anyway, I had such a great time with my mom. I love when I get to have days like that with her, where my dad or brothers don't get in the way haha ;) She's my best friend and when we are able to be alone it's a lot easier to talk about stuff with her, ya know what I mean?



Monday Mantra

I came across this quote on Pinterest and it couldn't be more on point. We only have so many days in our lifetime. If we experience a crappy day, which we all will more than enough times, then we experience a crappy day. But the thing is, when the day is over, it's over. And it's time to start over when the sun comes up the next day. No more living in the past, and no living in the future either. Life is all about enjoying the moment you are in RIGHT NOW. Right now. You have every right to start the day feeling happy, grateful,  and overjoyed. There is no reason to ruin a perfectly bright day with emotions and feelings from the day before. Our feelings are like the ocean. As humans, we are going to feel waves of excitement, waves of sadness, anger, whatever emotion. We need to accept how we feel and let those feelings pass. So no matter what, everyday should be a new day. Start now! Even as I'm typing this, it's giving me motivation to let go of feelings I've stacked up from a couple days and release them and start over. Believe me, it feels SO good to let everything go and be in the moment. 

Just take a really deep breath in, think about everything that's bothering you or weighing you down, and exhale it alllllll out. Then smile, blast some of your favorite music, and live in the moment and BE HAPPY :) Happy Monday! 



I'm Thankful for...

I have to be honest, I've been going through a rough patch with coming up with blog ideas. Ever since school started, it has been a bit hard to manage this blog, school work, and other activities I have going on. It makes me appreciate all of the bloggers out there who work their butts off to create such amazing content. It blows my mind how they are able to do so much at a time and still put their all into their blogs. Some days I'll have a bunch of ideas I'll be able to do something with, and other days I'm staring aimlessly at my computer screen just waiting for something to spark. 

After sitting on my bed for a little while I grabbed an old journal of mine where I started to collect my future goals and blog/youtube ideas, and after reading through a couple of pages I just smiled and felt SO much better. Looking through those pages made me realize that I really do have a passion for this, I just needed some reminding. I think like a lot of other people, life gets in the way and sometimes when we start to compare ourselves to others we just want to stop everything and curl up in a ball in our beds haha! 

Anyway, it just got me thinking I am SO thankful for where I am today. Mentally, physically. I am so thankful for the school I'm attending, the yoga classes I'm taking (which by the way are completely life changing), the pure healthy food I eat, my soft cozy bed and sheets. Im thankful for my outstanding parents who always go out of their way to help me with whatever I need...I could go on and on. I'm thankful for the beautiful weather I walk in after dinner, the amazing hot pink and purple sunset I get to witness every night. I'm thankful for my amazing camera I was able to purchase for my birthday, all of my wonderful makeup i'm addicted to! ;) Hahaha 

So overall I think I just needed a little reminder of why I started this blog in the first place. I love to write, I have a passion for a bunch of different things, and I like to speak about my thoughts towards them. I love getting to know people online, and I love social media and branding too. When I first discovered 'blogging' and 'graphic design' a couple years ago, I was SO fascinated, and now years later I still am and I hope to have a job that involves all of the details I just listed :)

I'm so thankful for YOU reading this! :)



Fall Lips

I rode my bike down to the drugstore down on my corner attempting to find a new foundation because I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't know if I'm that happy with my L'Oreal true match anymore! I never thought I would say that, especially since it's such a popular foundation in the beauty world, but it hasn't been sitting on my skin the same way it used to. It looks like the color turned or oxidized more pink, and instead of leaving a dewy skin like finish, now it kind of clings to my dry spots and doesn't blend evenly. I'm really upset because I switched my Chanel foundation for this one! But I guess it's time for me to move on to a different brand. Which brings me to you guys. HELP! What are your favorite or holy grail drugstore foundations?? I can't tell you how frustrated I got walking back and forth between the wall of makeup confused on what to do. Some were wayy to pink, others too white. It was a disaster. So please tell me your ideas on what I could use! I almost tried the L'Oreal true match lumi, but they didn't have a close enough color so I just walked away. 

ANYWAYS. Since the whole foundation thing took a wrong turn, i decided to treat myself in other ways haha! ;) I was attracted to the lip products this time, picking up a nude matte balm called Complex from Revlon, a squint-your-eyes-its-so-bright red lip lacquer called Big Bang from Rimmel and a deep berry lipstick from the Kate Moss for Rimmel collection in the shade 09. All different shades of Fall I know, but that shows you how indecisive i am when it comes to picking out makeup products haha. Usually when I walk in I plan on getting makeup of the same color family or that I can wear together, but my brain was racing when I was looking at all the different combinations of the new autumnal products...really i have a problem is what i'm trying to say. 

I'm already wearing the revlon matte balm as I'm writing this, and I have to say it's quite nice. It's smooth, and definitely not drying which is good being its a matte product. And I love the shade, it's a nice nude for my skin tone at the moment. 

This is kind of a rambly post and I apologize for that, haha! I hope everyone had a good week, I'm definitely excited it's friday because now I'm on my fall break, which means no school for a week! Oh yea :) And my mom let me stay home today too, so I'm pumped ;)

Happy weekend!



Hello October

It's heeeeere :) Last night my mom and I went to the grocery store. And let me tell you it looked like Fall hit that place like a tornado. Pumpkin EVERYTHING. As a matter of fact there were like 20 different types of pumpkins to chose from. Also, some called 'fantasy pumpkins' and they are out of this world beautiful. Huge and white, with swirly trunks. Some were creme, others orange and white striped or spotted. 

I picked up some cans of pumpkin, and I cannot WAIT to start busting out my fall recipes. This morning when I drove to school, it was actually breezy and cool outside. No gust of hot summer air. Ah, fall you bring me lots of joy. Here's to the hundreds of cups of tea and never ending burning candles ;)

Happy 1st of October!