Today I just felt like rambling a bit, so there’s your
warning.
Some days I’ll feel on top of the world, like I can do
anything and be anything I want to. I will feel strong and powerful and
confident. I’ll imagine myself surrounded by great people and wonderful things.
And then on some days, I’ll feel small and weak and not very
happy or joyous or grateful. I really hate feeling this way but it just
happens.
I was walking around my school campus at lunch and I was
thinking about myself and situations I put myself into. There are a couple of
nice girls I’ve wanted to talk to for months now, and I haven’t. Because I feel
nervous and unaccepted. I feel like they’ll think I’m boring and not “cool” or
too shy and quiet. Yes I am like this, but once I get to know someone I have a
hard time being serious and shutting up. That’s just me. It’s like I’m afraid
to talk…and let people in on my thoughts. I haven’t had a real genuine friend
for 4 years. So it’s kind of like I’ve forgotten what having a friend feels
like. I’m a Gemini for crying out loud I have MULTIPLE personalities. That I
can definitely believe.
Well while I was walking around, one of those girls noticed
me and stopped me and welcomed me to sit with her and her friend at lunch.
Like, it’s like she read my mind. Did I manifest this?? I believe so. It’s all
I’ve been thinking about, making friends and having people to talk to.
How do I get over this anxiety of talking to people and
approaching them?? Do I sit down and tell them the truth that I’ve been wanting
to talk to them for MONTHS? I really want to, and what would be so bad about
that anyway? Obviously they’ve noticed me too… I don’t know. I feel like I’m
going bit crazy.
I also haven’t gone to get my job application yet at the
store I want. Well, it kind of took me a little while to figure out I need to
be in retail, and the store that would be awesome to work in is Urban
Outfitters. They WERE hiring for seasonal employees a couple weeks ago, and
since I got sick I wasn’t able to go. I really really REALLLLY hope they’re
still hiring, because it would be a miracle if they were. Getting into retail
would be amazing for the school I want to go to and the field I want to be in.
the weeks have been going bye so quickly and I’ve had little things come up. I
just feel like I’ve pushed it off to the side and I shouldn’t have.
Anyway, it’s been a long week at school. Everyday I have to
stay after 4 extra hours for acting rehearsals, but since I’m not in the play
I’ve been doing nothing. The first two days were pretty long, tiring, and
boring. But I have to say, the last two days were a lot better…I’ve been
getting to talk to more of the girls and get to know them, and all of us have
just gotten closer. It’s so cool that I’m actually enjoying parts of this
school haha. Weird!!!! ;)
I really want to leave this on a happy note. SO, I’m so
excited that I decorated my Christmas tree and made more cookies haha. Pictures
to come!! ;)
*ps due to my long days at school I haven’t had any time to
do anything at home so that’s why theres been nothing on the blog this week so I'm very sad about that
but it will get better soon!
Maddie
