9.20.2014

So Crazy


Okay, hello!! I am still here. I can't believe it's been like 5 days since I posted something and I feel really bad about that. This week went bye so fast, honestly I don't even remember it being monday. I actually had more homework than normal, and I kind of just felt off. I dont know, I've been over thinking a lot of things and the past few days I've just needed time to myself. I haven't even really been using my computer that much which is a shocker haha, cause I'm ADDICTED to it! But anyway, after going to this meditation/yoga class with my mom a couple nights ago, I feel so much clearer and calmer. I was letting myself slip into that hole of sadness and anxiety again and I wanted to catch myself before I really got caught in it. 

Anyway, it's kind of late at night and I was watching a few (haha or more) youtube videos and listening to some of my favorite throwback songs, and all of the sudden I felt this sense of knowingness that I am going to be okay, future-wise. It's kind of hard to explain, but this past week (and for the past 2 years) I have struggled with worrying too much about what I'm going to do after high school. I have some sort of general idea, but I have always let fear get in my way. Tonight, I felt like that fear lifted off of my chest in a way. Like right now, I feel like I can pack up my things and just move, like I've wanted to for ever since I can remember. Do any of you have that problem? Just wanting something so badly but blowing the idea away because you think you're not worthy or good enough for it? Yeah that's what I've always felt.

So I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I guess I will just start writing what I want to say. For a good year now, I've wanted to start uploading my own youtube videos. I uploaded ONE video on my birthday this year, and then sort of chickened out and never gave it a second chance. Well I'm telling you right now, I am SO ready to finally upload what I want to. I mean, I have so much motivation right now it's crazy. I have let fear push me away and change my mind and let me feel inferior, and I'm tired of it. After going through so much crap over the past couple of years, after giving up and hitting rock bottom, I am ready to just be me and do whatever the hell I want. Because it's my life and I wasted precious years, months, days just sitting and over thinking and not doing anything that made me happy. Yes I kind of wish I can turn back time, but without these horrible never ending days, I wouldn't have the knowledge I do today. 

I want to continue with my blog, but now I really want to put forth more effort. I will admit, yes I am AFRAID of putting out some content just because of what other people might think. I know it sounds stupid but its what the internet does to people. It creates this sort of competition. And I'm done being afraid, I'm just going to BE ME and do what I want. I feel so free and so open to new things, and I really want to inspire anybody reading this to stop worrying about other people, stop worrying about the future, the past, the haters, the whiners. JUST STOP AND BREATHE AND BE IN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW. Right. NOW. You can change the way you feel in an instant, and I did tonight, and now look at me haha. I have all of these thoughts going through my head and I just have to get them out before I go to bed :) 

So in a nutshell, I'm just going to push myself. I'm going to challenge myself to write down my goals, to do what makes me happy, to do what I WANT even if it makes me a little scared or nervous, because that's life and those are emotions we feel, but we don't have to let them take over our lives. I'm ready to finally be me and do/create what I want. And I can't wait to share it with you guys :) 

I hope this wasn't too long or pointless but I just had to write a little bit. Again school kind of took over this week so I'm sorry for not putting anything up-I wouldn't want to put out bad content just for the sake of putting something up :)

I love you-whoever is reading this :)

Maddie