7.17.2014

The Urge



I feel like I need to get something off of my chest. All of the sudden as I sat down I got this urge to write about what  I'm feeling right now, and since this is like my diary, I thought I would just share with you, who ever is reading this.

I'm going through a stage, or period in my life where I really want to break the heck out of my shell. I want to explore as many possibilities as I can and try my very best at things I'm passionate about. Things like blogging, design, photography, modeling, writing, music, and just creating anything in general. But, and I hate to say this, but I feel like I don't belong where I live. Where I live is small, and I personally don't think it's right for what I want to do. Somewhere I need to be is a place like California or New York...California is a lot more believable, cause New York is very expensive and across the country, but I have always seen myself living in Cali, on the beach, enjoying every second of life I can. It's the land of opportunity, where a creative weirdo like me would fit right in. I won't lie, I'm getting choked up as I'm writing this..I want to leave so badly and just start my life already...Does anyone else feel like this?? 

As hard as it will be for me to leave my mom and dad, I need to grow a backbone and realize that growing up is apart of nature and I'm gonna have to do it sometime or another. It's hard for me to imagine that I am already 17 and I will be leaving soon, not because I have to, but because I WANT to. And it's taken me a long time to figure out if I was going to or not. 

Another thing that is bothering me is getting a job. I really really really want to get one, and I really want to start making money. And I don't just want to make money for the sake of having money, but I want to earn it and show myself that I can. And, I need to start saving up a lot of it if I'm planning and dreaming of leaving the state.

I guess I could say I have a perfectly imperfect dream in my head. I know, for the most part, what I want to do, but I need to work hard to get there, to that point. Oh, and my whole school situation. That's a whole other post. It's really been keeping me up at night. Do I stay online or do I go back to a regular school?? I really miss being around people and teachers, i really do. And I keep thinking, maybe I made the wrong decision to switch over to online. Honestly I have no fricken idea. But right now I've been having a hard time with that.

Anyway, I guess this was just a random spur of the moment journal session haha. Are you guys going through anything at the moment? If you ever need someone to talk to, please never hesitate to talk to me. That's something that I love to do, is give advice and talk to people who need talking to. I hope everyone is having a great day or night :)

Maddie