8.23.2014

Joyous Perfection



Oh boy it's been a minute since I posted last. I was afraid of this happening once I started public school again! I'm really sorry guys, this last week was a bit crazy! I had a lot of schoolwork, babysitting hours, and chores to do but this weekend I'm getting a lot of stuff done for the bloggy :)

I want to start off by saying I had an emotional week. I'm not 100% sure why, but I think I am feeling many different emotions all at the same time. I'm still getting over some nerves from starting a new school, I've felt a bit lost, confused on what I want to pursue, confused on kids at school, and frustrated. Then on some days I felt elated and happy to be where I am. It's all so hard on me. 

I was talking to my mom about being happy, and I was asking her and telling her "I can't wait to be happy" and "i wonder how happy people stay happy." (happy happy happy lol). And then out of nowhere she said something beautiful to me. She said that it's never gonna happen. We are humans, with deep feelings and emotions. We are like the ocean, where we will have gigantic waves of sadness, but like the water it will pass. Or we will have days of overcoming joy, but that will pass too, just like the waves of the ocean. And I totally get it. Even the happiest of people have bad days, it just might not seem like it in their perfect world. The most important part I think to understanding this is to understand that when there is sadness, anger, fear, guilt, it will ALL pass. But it takes time. No one knows how long it will last, and in some cases you have control over it. 

I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I kind of had to get that off my chest. It helped me realize that it's OKAY for me to feel this way. After all, I'm only 17! Holy crap that scares me haha. I have been thinking non stop about this coming year, because it's my last year in high school. Thats it. It's over. And it happened before my eyes. I have no idea where the time went and part of me wishes I could get some time back. I've also been feeling regret, regret of not taking more chances and speaking up in class, or talking to new people. It's all so stupid, how society makes you feel so unworthy of everything, isn't it? I definitely had a tough couple of years but I do feel a lot stronger because of it. Since it's my last year, I've had to think about what I want after school is over. Yes I do want to go to college. But the question is, WHAT college? WHERE do I go? Do I leave the state I'm in like I really really want to? Do I travel abroad like I really really want to? Do I compeltely forget the whole college thing and get an internship with some companies or magazines like a really really want to do?? Questions and scenarios like this keep me up for hours at night and I feel like I might explode from all the tension.

On a completely different note, I have actually had a good time at school. And I'm learning a TON of stuff about photoshop, which is awesome. My dad even said he would buy it for me this weekend, which, I'm not gonna lie, made me let out an ear-piercing scream. I can't help it! Hahaha :) Now I'm just chilling on my bed banging out a lotta posts and writing a bit! ;)

Maddie