Being Curious... ☯

For the last couple of days I've been in a weird mood. I've been thinking a lot, almost to the point of arguing with myself. Weird right? I just feel like I have to write it out or something...if you don't mind.

I have had conversations going back and forth in my head, like saying "you need to do this" "i'll do it later" or thinking about things in the future which don't need my thoughts yet. That is a problem I'm struggling with. I need to stay in the present moment. For the past, I don't know couple of weeks, I have wanted time to either speed up or slow down. I don't want to get any older at this point, because I have a fear of my future in a year's time. I don't know what I want to do, study, I don't know where I wanna go...and the truth is it doesn't matter. I know it doesn't. But I'm the type of person that likes to know things like this. I know there are people out there who go from being homeless to millionaires in a year's time, or who start little blogs and become internet famous. I have to drill it in my head that not knowing what the future holds is perfectly normal and its okay.

I just...I get anxious. When I think about things like getting a real job, not just babysitting, it scares me into thinking my childhood is over. Am I the only one that thinks this? I hope not. I have really really been trying to experiment with hobbies and things I like to do. I know what i like to do. I like to draw, take pictures, write, blog, create, i love makeup and fashion...And some days I love it more than others. On certain days, sometimes I could care less about makeup. But then on others I'm absolutely obsessed. I guess that's the thing about being human. We go through ups and downs, and maybe being a girl you go through more haha! :)

The thing is, I want to expand my creativity. I think when I went into high school, I was just kind of pushed into a whole new world, and I kind of shut myself out from a LOT. I turned into a completely different person, and I still think I'm not the same. Of course I've changed since 4 years ago, but before high school, I used to laugh at everything and not care about what people think. I used to brush stuff off that didn't matter and I used to be laid back. Nowadays, I'm sort of confused and quiet. Once I get to know people, I can't shut up, but now it's like I can't really start a conversation. When I found the world of blogging, my hopes looked up. I started following a few blogs, and now it's turned into a few hundred. I LOVE reading blogs, any kind really. It's like talking to a friend that you don't even know!

 That's why I started my blog. I started it a year ago, and left it. I do regret not trying last year, but when I look back on it, last year wasn't good. I often have a feeling inside like I'm late on the train or I'm too old to start something, and then I think how stupid is that? I'm so young, my life hasn't even properly started yet, and I'm worried about being too old! 

I have some goals that I want to achieve very soon:

-learn the tricks to good photography
-stop worrying about what others think of me
-journal and write my ideas every single day
-do something that makes me happy every single day
-create friendships with other bloggers
-smile, more often
-add to this list

These are basic, little goals that I need to set for myself. I have more, but that's why I put add to this list. Blogging and writing and creating are things I love to do, and I think it's just hard for me right now because I had fears of who I was and what I'm like. I need to access my creativity that I used to have, and start to really use it every single day, like I used to. I really want my blog to grow and turn into something amazing. Make it a place of uniqueness and a place where others can come to be happy and be let in on my life. I just want that to happen :)

I feel like sometimes I wonder why I started a blog. There are so many thousands of blogs nowadays, that a lot of content is pretty similar. But i have to realize that it's about being yourself and original. That's what gets friendships started and a blog growing. I find that if I get a vibe off of a blog like this isn't really a passion, I don't read it or follow it. Being a reader, you just kind of know when someone isn't for real. And I don't want that to ever happen with my blog. Especially since I'm starting to really put a lot of work and effort into it. Since starting to post regularly on my blog, I've realized what a demanding and long working job blogging is. Really, it's hard to understand if you don't do it, but it's a tough job! I don't really know how to end this post since I feel like I could rant a little more, but I won't haha.

This was a little rant, and I hope it doesn't annoy anyone haha. I felt like I needed to get little blurbs out of my head..if anyone wants to ever talk to me just talk to me through google +, or twitter :)

my twitter is: @maddieeebug

xx, Maddie